When I first created this blog, my husband was insulted. He thought I was implying that my life (or our life together) was rather boring and ordinary. So, he kept insisting that it was indeed far from average, and provided me with endless examples to make his own viewpoint valid. For example: we have been Cave Tubing in Belize, Scuba Diving in the Caribbean, and Skydiving on both the East and West Coasts. We have made two cross country trips in the same year, via different routes taking us through approximately 20 states. We have taken a couple of cruises to exotic locations, and planned countless other family vacations. We have also been blessed with two wonderful families, and privileged to reside in both the great states of Florida and California.
Yet, I can list a bunch of commonplace tidbits about myself that are aligned with the typical lifestyle of American women. I am both a wife and mother, I also have two college degrees and hold a job. I perform routine household chores, cook for my family, etc. I am also the owner of a couple of pets and have several artistic hobbies, but they are always changing because I get bored easily.
I also recognize that because I am simply living my own life and not viewing it through the eyes of an outsider, I tend to forgot how fortunate I really am. I often take things for granted, and at times, really think my life is lackluster. However, when I truly reflect upon it, my life has often been full of great adventure and is really rather extraordinary.
Fortunately, I understand that I can still count my lucky stars even though I have also lived through certain tragedy and extreme sadness. Yet, in the end, it doesn't matter whether or not my life is "average" or not, what really counts is if I am enjoying the journey. Today, I can acknowledge that I truly am.......
February 23, 2011
February 15, 2011
With Me
When my mom first passed away, I didn't dream about her at all. I missed her terribly and I wanted to be with her any way possible, but the dreams would not come. Then, one evening about a month after her death, I had such a vivid dream that as soon as I realized I was awake, I shot out of bed and grabbed my journal. I recorded every detail I could recall--down to the color of flowers on her nightgown and what she said to me as I sat with her caressing her arm while she layed flat out in a chair on the lawn.
During this dream, there were lots of people shuffling by. I don't recall seeing many faces--only their backs and legs. But they walked on by as I sat with my mom outside of a tiny house on the front lawn. It didn't matter how many people were passing, it was as if we were the only two people around. Mom assured me that she was going to accompany me to a specific event in the near future.
I awoke from that dream feeling happy to have spent time with my mom, even if it was temporary. Yet, I did not have any more encounters like that one--until now. These days it seems as if just about every moring when I wake up, I am recalling some sort of contact I have had with my mom during the night. I don't recall many details, but I feel more of a presence. It is light and comforting, like a warm blanket.
It is consoling now that I seem to feel my mom's loving embrace even though we are on separate planes.......Thefore, I will continue to keep the door open which leads to a connection with my beloved mother and look forward to her next visit. I love you and miss you so very much mom!
February 8, 2011
Grief and Anger
Part of an email I wrote to my brother today:
I have had so much anger that I was scaring myself. Yet, in all of my grief counseling I am told this is totally normal. I have done many things in the name of taming my anger (including smashing plates with a hammer). But yet, that is the feeling that persists the most, for me.
So, on the note of going through one bit of anger and moving on to the next stage of grief.. Well, from what I have learned, part of that is old fashioned thinking. The new research shows that grief is more of a cycle. You cycle through phases until they become less and less and eventually see life in a new way.. you incorporate the loss into your way of living, instead of letting it control you.
Currently, I am in a daughters grieving their mothers support group and I am the only one that can freely talk about my intense rage and anger. I was the only one in the other group that spoke about the anger (although everyone agreed that they felt it too, but were too scared to talk about it). So, I think a person is "lucky" to be able to access anger because I have a lot to be angry about and it can eat you up.
I mean, shit, we lost our mother and we are young--she was young!!. That in itself is terrible. Let alone everything that was so traumatic leading up to her tragic ending. Even the the hindsight (20/20 for sure)..and how we couldn't do anything about it. You flew there and mom didn't want your help. There is nothing we could have done differently no matter what we want to tell ourselves. She wasn't going to deal with what was happening to her body..
And I would say that Fear definitely played a huge role in mom's choices, or lack thereof. I know she knew long before, there is no way that she could not. I am sorry that she did not trust us enough to confide in us, but on the other hand she was always the protector, she was always the one caring for everyone else (in her own way) so I can't see why she would do things any differently. I mean, afterall, she didn't want grandma to know she had cancer to the very end because she didn't want her to worry.
Part of me admires mom's independence and can see that she did things exactly how she wanted to and the other part of me knows how afraid she was of certain things and hopes that if she would have confided in someone, this may have all been prevented. But yet, it can't be prevented because we can't turn back the clock and, yet again, the anger comes back to me too.
Yes, men grieve different than women, I read tons on that too. So you are doing it exactly the way that is right for you. You also have a very busy life and that is keeping you distracted, but what I have learned is that the grief process does not go away even if we push it away. The counselors at Hospice told me that they have seen people come in ten years after the death of a loved one.
Grief finds a way to rear its ugly head and we must deal with it or it manifests in other ways. I believe I am on the healing side now and see life in a new light. But yes, just thinking about never, ever being able to talk to my own mom again sends me right into a tailspin! All I know today is that I am strong and will be ok.
I have had so much anger that I was scaring myself. Yet, in all of my grief counseling I am told this is totally normal. I have done many things in the name of taming my anger (including smashing plates with a hammer). But yet, that is the feeling that persists the most, for me.
So, on the note of going through one bit of anger and moving on to the next stage of grief.. Well, from what I have learned, part of that is old fashioned thinking. The new research shows that grief is more of a cycle. You cycle through phases until they become less and less and eventually see life in a new way.. you incorporate the loss into your way of living, instead of letting it control you.
Currently, I am in a daughters grieving their mothers support group and I am the only one that can freely talk about my intense rage and anger. I was the only one in the other group that spoke about the anger (although everyone agreed that they felt it too, but were too scared to talk about it). So, I think a person is "lucky" to be able to access anger because I have a lot to be angry about and it can eat you up.
I mean, shit, we lost our mother and we are young--she was young!!. That in itself is terrible. Let alone everything that was so traumatic leading up to her tragic ending. Even the the hindsight (20/20 for sure)..and how we couldn't do anything about it. You flew there and mom didn't want your help. There is nothing we could have done differently no matter what we want to tell ourselves. She wasn't going to deal with what was happening to her body..
And I would say that Fear definitely played a huge role in mom's choices, or lack thereof. I know she knew long before, there is no way that she could not. I am sorry that she did not trust us enough to confide in us, but on the other hand she was always the protector, she was always the one caring for everyone else (in her own way) so I can't see why she would do things any differently. I mean, afterall, she didn't want grandma to know she had cancer to the very end because she didn't want her to worry.
Part of me admires mom's independence and can see that she did things exactly how she wanted to and the other part of me knows how afraid she was of certain things and hopes that if she would have confided in someone, this may have all been prevented. But yet, it can't be prevented because we can't turn back the clock and, yet again, the anger comes back to me too.
Yes, men grieve different than women, I read tons on that too. So you are doing it exactly the way that is right for you. You also have a very busy life and that is keeping you distracted, but what I have learned is that the grief process does not go away even if we push it away. The counselors at Hospice told me that they have seen people come in ten years after the death of a loved one.
Grief finds a way to rear its ugly head and we must deal with it or it manifests in other ways. I believe I am on the healing side now and see life in a new light. But yes, just thinking about never, ever being able to talk to my own mom again sends me right into a tailspin! All I know today is that I am strong and will be ok.
February 7, 2011
A Secret Trip
Sometimes planning a trip can be lots of work. There are many details to consider such as making reservations, checking the weather, planning what to bring, and figuring out how long it will take to get reach the desired destination. Yet, when adding the element of "surprise" to a mini-vacation, that adds both an element of difficulty combined with the excitement of being able to really pull it off.
February 5, 2011
Missed a Few....
I have missed a few days of posting, but all for good reason.. My life is super busy! What, with work and family life, and exercising and everything in between I have not had much free time to sit down at my computer and type.
All in all, life is treating me good for the moment, so I am taking advantage of feeling great. Oh, and the 70 plus degree weather, doesn't hurt either...... life is really good sometimes!
All in all, life is treating me good for the moment, so I am taking advantage of feeling great. Oh, and the 70 plus degree weather, doesn't hurt either...... life is really good sometimes!
February 2, 2011
Sometimes It Just Bites
There is no way around it, but sometimes personal situations in life simply bite the big one. The only way I have found to deal with life's intricacies is to look around. A person can always find something or someone worse off. Or maybe they aren't worse off, but personal perception says it's so.
For example, I can't even begin to comprehend what is going on in Egypt. Sure, I see the chaos and destruction on TV, but I can't understand what makes a people go so crazy. I can't imagine living in fear and not even being able to walk out my front door.
Here in America, we are very lucky on so many levels. Sometimes when I think about every other person on the planet or any other situation I could have been born into, nine out of ten times, I count my blessings. Therefore, I just try to do my best in the moment to be grateful for what I really do have.
Blessings.........
For example, I can't even begin to comprehend what is going on in Egypt. Sure, I see the chaos and destruction on TV, but I can't understand what makes a people go so crazy. I can't imagine living in fear and not even being able to walk out my front door.
Here in America, we are very lucky on so many levels. Sometimes when I think about every other person on the planet or any other situation I could have been born into, nine out of ten times, I count my blessings. Therefore, I just try to do my best in the moment to be grateful for what I really do have.
Blessings.........
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