Grief and Anger

Part of an email I wrote to my brother today:

  I have had so much anger that I was scaring myself. Yet, in all of my grief counseling I am told this is totally normal.  I have done many things in the name of taming my anger (including smashing plates with a hammer).  But yet, that is the feeling that persists the most, for me. 

So, on the note of going through one bit of anger and moving on to the next stage of grief.. Well, from what I have learned, part of that is old fashioned thinking. The new research shows that grief is more of  a cycle. You cycle through phases until they become less and less and eventually see life in a new way.. you incorporate the loss into your way of living, instead of letting it control you.


Currently, I am in a daughters grieving their mothers support group and I am the only one that can freely talk about my intense rage and anger.  I was the only one in the other group that spoke about the anger (although everyone agreed that they felt it too, but were too scared to talk about it).  So, I think a person is "lucky" to be able to access anger because I have a lot to be angry about and it can eat you up. 

I mean, shit, we lost our mother and we are young--she was young!!.  That in itself is terrible. Let alone everything that was so traumatic leading up to her tragic ending. Even the the hindsight (20/20 for sure)..and how we couldn't do anything about it. You flew there and mom didn't want your help.  There is nothing we could have done differently no matter what we want to tell ourselves. She wasn't going to deal with what was happening to her body..

  And I would say that Fear definitely played a huge role in mom's choices, or lack thereof.  I know she knew long before, there is no way that she could not.  I am sorry that she did not trust us enough to confide in us, but on the other hand she was always the protector, she was always the one caring for everyone else (in her own way) so I can't see why she would do things any differently. I mean, afterall, she didn't want grandma to know she had cancer to the very end because she didn't want her to worry.

Part of me admires mom's independence and can see that she did things exactly how she wanted to and the other part of me knows how afraid she was of certain things and hopes that if she would have confided in someone, this may have all been prevented.  But yet, it can't be prevented because we can't turn back the clock and, yet again, the anger comes back to me too. 

 Yes, men grieve different than women, I read tons on that too.  So you are doing it exactly the way that is right for you.  You also have a very busy life and that is keeping you distracted, but what I have learned is that the grief process does not go away even if we push it away.  The counselors at Hospice told me that they have seen people come in ten years after the death of a loved one.

 Grief finds a way to rear its ugly head and we must deal with it or it manifests in other ways.  I believe I am on the healing side now and see life in a new light.  But yes, just thinking about never, ever being able to talk to my own mom again sends me right into a tailspin!  All I know today is that I am strong and will be ok.