For many years I have been passionate about cooking and the culinary world. I have written food blogs, created recipes from scratch and even began photographing the dishes I developed. I also used to think of the kitchen as my sanctuary. It was a place where I could "escape" to, a place where my son and husband chose to avoid. In my kitchen I could be creative, I could try new recipes and improve upon others. I could use my artistic talents and inspirations on a variety of levels.
I also really used to take pride in the dishes I created. I looked forward to preparing healthy meals for my family and discussing them while we sat around the dinner table. I often wondered how and why others didn't enjoy their time in the kitchen . I used to question why they would rather go out to dinner.
Yet, ever since my mom passed away, I have lost my culinary passion. Now, I too wish to avoid the kitchen. I don't find pleasure in cooking and I don't care too much about the food I am eating. Where I used to think that healthy meals contributed to a healthy outlook, I now realize the two aren't necessarily connected.
My husband and son have been asking me for close to a year now to please get back in the kitchen and try to enjoy myself. I can honestly say that I have tried. I went to the spice shop and bought a bunch of fresh, new spices to try. I shopped at the farmer's market bringing home an armful of fresh produce, and I even scoured my cookbooks for new recipes. Yet, I still can't find the culinary joy within.
Just recently, I was discussing this calamity with someone close to me and they made me realize that cooking was something I loved to share with my mom. My mom and I used to discuss recipes, buy each other kitchen gadgets, utensils and special cookbooks. When we would visit each other, we would cook together and prepare meals for the family. Mealtime and spending time around the table was an important activity for my family.
Today, I am still seeking out a way to bring back my passion and honor my mom in the process. Yet, in the meantime, I will just have to accept for myself that in my heart I am doing the best I can.
March 26, 2011
March 16, 2011
The Anger Continues
The silent treatment is a deadly game.... who is the giver and who is the seeker? Or who just doesn't want to play the game any longer... so tired of it all. So very tired...
Isn't there a better way of arguing? Why aren't we schooled in these things..
Thank goodness for friends and far away places...
Isn't there a better way of arguing? Why aren't we schooled in these things..
Thank goodness for friends and far away places...
March 15, 2011
Anger at its finest
Have you ever been so mad you can't see straight? Have you ever known from your inner core that you were correct and yet, the other person kept blaming you and try to convince you something was all your fault?
Have you even just grown tired of the whole repetitive fiasco? Well this is living testimony that so have I. Actually so am I, right here, right now... so very pissed off and whose fault is it anyway....
Have you even just grown tired of the whole repetitive fiasco? Well this is living testimony that so have I. Actually so am I, right here, right now... so very pissed off and whose fault is it anyway....
No Bad Race For me
A Reply from me to an email about someone in my running group having a "bad" race:
As far as I'm concerned, I am happy to just be out there doing what I do. Then again, I am not the most competitive person on the planet, but each and every time I cross the finish line I am proud of myself. Sure, it is obvious that I have better race days and times than others, but like Marc said, just use each race as a learning experience. If you did great, what did you do? If you didn't do so hot, why not? The worst thing to do is beat yourself up for completing something that many people only wish they could do.
As far as I'm concerned, I am happy to just be out there doing what I do. Then again, I am not the most competitive person on the planet, but each and every time I cross the finish line I am proud of myself. Sure, it is obvious that I have better race days and times than others, but like Marc said, just use each race as a learning experience. If you did great, what did you do? If you didn't do so hot, why not? The worst thing to do is beat yourself up for completing something that many people only wish they could do.
One time I was having great difficulty completing a 9 mile run and it was thanks to Coach Judy (you are the best!!) that I was even able to finish. I learned from that experience I was not eating a proper (for me) breakfast. After speaking with Judy and Halley on this topic I tweaked my pre-long run and pre-race meals and have been fine ever since.
During that difficult day, Judy also made me realize again that I was in a very small percentage of people who woke up on Sunday morning and went running that distance--or went running, period. That fact has stuck with me ever since.
So, I know I am never going to win first place, but to me, winning is being able to run with great people, be physically active, and cross the finish line injury free and all in one piece. :)
So, I know I am never going to win first place, but to me, winning is being able to run with great people, be physically active, and cross the finish line injury free and all in one piece. :)
March 12, 2011
Why Can't I Protect Him Forever?
My son Grover is about to turn 18. Even Grover, himself, thinks it's pretty surreal. Just tonight he was saying that he can remember when he was 14 and how he thought 18 seemed so old and so far away. Now that he is just two weeks away from the big 1-8, he says he doesn't actually feel that old. Yet, thinking back over almost two decades, all I can recall are all of the wonderful times Grover and I have shared together and how incredibly blessed I feel.
Now, I'm not just saying this because Grover is my son, but he truly is one of the most down to earth, intelligent teens I know. He makes relatively wise decisions and is very trustworthy. He is also a straight-A student and he is about to attain the rank of Eagle Scout. Grover is also equipped with a super brain that aids him in the ability to fix or repair almost anything. There is not a day that goes by where I don't think about how lucky I am that Grover is so amazing--especially for a teenage boy about to reach adulthood.
Yet, even though Grover doesn't "feel old," he is dealing with many issues adults go through. For example, his decision not to immediately go away to college, but to attend the local junior college after he graduates high school (the program at the university he wants to attend is an intense 21 month straight program). Or figuring out why he often has no money (he spends it all on Mexican food and movies). Or the pros and cons of dating a girl who is away at college. (Although they have been friends for a couple of years and everyone is so happy they officially became a couple, there still seems to be some unavoidable dramas).
As a mother, I am always inclined to want to protect my "baby," but I don't think he always wants my protection. I also believe that as a mom I won't be able to save him from all of the difficulties of life.
Yet, I have learned that the challenges of life are often what help us to grow. They are the things that, if we learn from them, we can use them to create an even better life for ourselves. Therefore, maybe instead of trying to keep Grover in a protective bubble, I will instead aim to be there so that I may "soften the blows" and help him make sense of this complex life. After all, the first phase of my active role as a mother is over and now I can sit back confident I have done the best I can as Grover moves into adulthood and moves out on his own into the real world....
Now, I'm not just saying this because Grover is my son, but he truly is one of the most down to earth, intelligent teens I know. He makes relatively wise decisions and is very trustworthy. He is also a straight-A student and he is about to attain the rank of Eagle Scout. Grover is also equipped with a super brain that aids him in the ability to fix or repair almost anything. There is not a day that goes by where I don't think about how lucky I am that Grover is so amazing--especially for a teenage boy about to reach adulthood.
Yet, even though Grover doesn't "feel old," he is dealing with many issues adults go through. For example, his decision not to immediately go away to college, but to attend the local junior college after he graduates high school (the program at the university he wants to attend is an intense 21 month straight program). Or figuring out why he often has no money (he spends it all on Mexican food and movies). Or the pros and cons of dating a girl who is away at college. (Although they have been friends for a couple of years and everyone is so happy they officially became a couple, there still seems to be some unavoidable dramas).
As a mother, I am always inclined to want to protect my "baby," but I don't think he always wants my protection. I also believe that as a mom I won't be able to save him from all of the difficulties of life.
Yet, I have learned that the challenges of life are often what help us to grow. They are the things that, if we learn from them, we can use them to create an even better life for ourselves. Therefore, maybe instead of trying to keep Grover in a protective bubble, I will instead aim to be there so that I may "soften the blows" and help him make sense of this complex life. After all, the first phase of my active role as a mother is over and now I can sit back confident I have done the best I can as Grover moves into adulthood and moves out on his own into the real world....
March 11, 2011
Some Gifts?
The phenonmenon of grief is one of the most difficult things a person may experience in his/her lifetime. And while grief tears you open, rips you to shreds, and exposes your deepest inner core, it doesn't leave you in that state forever.
Eventually, the waves of emotion begin to feel more like ripples than the tsunamis they once were. Oh those big waves don't ever totally go away, they just come to shore with less and less frequency, intensity and duration. And once the griever learns to ride the waves, new ways of navigation take them to unchartered territory.
Often, when a person recovers from the intense sadness and anger that grief is certain to create, they begin to put the broken pieces together and give life another try. At this point, if one is open, special "gifts" are revealed that were not present before. These are not always material items, they are often internal, highly personal and quite unique.
Still, in times of loss, being open to the "gifts of grief" is often a challenge, but once this is accomplished, embracing death becomes much easier and much more gentle on the soul.
Eventually, the waves of emotion begin to feel more like ripples than the tsunamis they once were. Oh those big waves don't ever totally go away, they just come to shore with less and less frequency, intensity and duration. And once the griever learns to ride the waves, new ways of navigation take them to unchartered territory.
Often, when a person recovers from the intense sadness and anger that grief is certain to create, they begin to put the broken pieces together and give life another try. At this point, if one is open, special "gifts" are revealed that were not present before. These are not always material items, they are often internal, highly personal and quite unique.
Still, in times of loss, being open to the "gifts of grief" is often a challenge, but once this is accomplished, embracing death becomes much easier and much more gentle on the soul.
March 6, 2011
Not This Life
“It wasn’t supposed to happen this way,” Leila bawled into the empty room. A chill shot down her spine and she fell to the living room floor as grief washed over her like a cold, heavy wave in the Pacific Ocean. It was a familiar sensation, one which she was actually starting to embrace. And although she despised every single moment of it, the tears continued to flow without restraint.
Between sobs, Leila thought about how she used to be a successful business woman, devoted wife, loving mother, and confident competitor; but nowadays, it seemed as though lamenting was all she could find the strength to do. Her once passionate self was now listless and unmotivated. The enthusiasm for hobbies and talents she so dearly loved, were now only fleeting memories of a lifetime which seemed so long ago. She cried out, begging for things to be different, but knowing deep down there was not a damn thing she could do.
Leila didn’t know how long she spent, yet again, curled up in the fetal position, but her swollen eyes and pounding head suggested it was longer than she would have liked. She took a deep breath and tried to find some sort of self-control as she knew her beloved husband and teenage son were going to be home soon.
Oh, the guilt Leila felt—the anger, the sorrow, and above all--the loss. She hated how it affected her life so intensely; her world would never be the same. Deep down she still wanted to be a good mother and loving wife, but she couldn’t find it within herself to care any longer. She scared herself with thoughts of wanting to end her life, but causing further pain to her very own family kept her hanging on by a bare thread.
Speaking of her family.. she heard the key in the lock, which meant they were home. On most days she greeted her husband and son with a smile; yet, nowadays it was all she could do to peel herself off the floor. She lifted her head and watched as the people was trying to care about moved slowly toward her. She noticed the pained looks on their faces and she knew deep down that they too wished things were different.
“Hi Honey, how are you doing today?” her husband asked with honest sincerity.
“How does it look like I’m doing?” Leila replied, trying to hide the anger in her voice. She knew none of this was her husband’s fault, but she couldn’t help wanting to blame him for not feeling the intense emotions of grief like she was. She hated to admit that she secretly wished everyone she knew would experience some tragedy in their lives so they would understand why she was behaving this way.
When she finally regained a tiny bit of composure and sat up to further concentrate on her family, Leila was yet again flooded with memories. It seemed like the pattern was always the same: An intense reaction to the bitter, hard fact that her mother was dead--gone forever from her life--followed by an unstoppable recollection of the events leading to such an undesirable ending. Every single time these thoughts crossed her mind, she automatically grasped for breath, as her hands found their way to her heart.
Leila’s heart… oh yes, that strong muscle of life, pumping freshly oxygenated blood through every inch of her sad body. The heart—modern symbol of ooey, gooey, sappy love, was now just a cavernous, cold black hole.
Leila’s heart… oh yes, that strong muscle of life, pumping freshly oxygenated blood through every inch of her sad body. The heart—modern symbol of ooey, gooey, sappy love, was now just a cavernous, cold black hole.
March 3, 2011
Don't Want A Bench
In dedication to my mom there now sits a bench. It is a "memorial bench" complete with an enscribed plaque and all. It is a symbolic gesture from some friends who did not get to say a proper goodbye. I know they are being nice, but all I can think is they can't possibly miss her as much as I do.
Still, I struggle with the idea of a material good standing in for a human being--all I can see is the cold, hard, steel which is quite the opposite of my mother. She was soft, warm, and loving.
This new green and black bench sits in the shade of a gigantic evergreen bush on the first hole at Palm Hill Country Club. People will use it to get out of the hot, Florida sun. They will use it to rest their tired feet and they will use it to sit and comtemplate life...Maybe they will see the plaque and remember my mom, maybe they won't.
Yet, the bench simply cannot replace my mother--nothing in the whole wide world could ever do that. And, honestly I don't want the stupid bench--I want my mom back!!
Still, I struggle with the idea of a material good standing in for a human being--all I can see is the cold, hard, steel which is quite the opposite of my mother. She was soft, warm, and loving.
This new green and black bench sits in the shade of a gigantic evergreen bush on the first hole at Palm Hill Country Club. People will use it to get out of the hot, Florida sun. They will use it to rest their tired feet and they will use it to sit and comtemplate life...Maybe they will see the plaque and remember my mom, maybe they won't.
Yet, the bench simply cannot replace my mother--nothing in the whole wide world could ever do that. And, honestly I don't want the stupid bench--I want my mom back!!
February 23, 2011
Not So Average, After All
When I first created this blog, my husband was insulted. He thought I was implying that my life (or our life together) was rather boring and ordinary. So, he kept insisting that it was indeed far from average, and provided me with endless examples to make his own viewpoint valid. For example: we have been Cave Tubing in Belize, Scuba Diving in the Caribbean, and Skydiving on both the East and West Coasts. We have made two cross country trips in the same year, via different routes taking us through approximately 20 states. We have taken a couple of cruises to exotic locations, and planned countless other family vacations. We have also been blessed with two wonderful families, and privileged to reside in both the great states of Florida and California.
Yet, I can list a bunch of commonplace tidbits about myself that are aligned with the typical lifestyle of American women. I am both a wife and mother, I also have two college degrees and hold a job. I perform routine household chores, cook for my family, etc. I am also the owner of a couple of pets and have several artistic hobbies, but they are always changing because I get bored easily.
I also recognize that because I am simply living my own life and not viewing it through the eyes of an outsider, I tend to forgot how fortunate I really am. I often take things for granted, and at times, really think my life is lackluster. However, when I truly reflect upon it, my life has often been full of great adventure and is really rather extraordinary.
Fortunately, I understand that I can still count my lucky stars even though I have also lived through certain tragedy and extreme sadness. Yet, in the end, it doesn't matter whether or not my life is "average" or not, what really counts is if I am enjoying the journey. Today, I can acknowledge that I truly am.......
Yet, I can list a bunch of commonplace tidbits about myself that are aligned with the typical lifestyle of American women. I am both a wife and mother, I also have two college degrees and hold a job. I perform routine household chores, cook for my family, etc. I am also the owner of a couple of pets and have several artistic hobbies, but they are always changing because I get bored easily.
I also recognize that because I am simply living my own life and not viewing it through the eyes of an outsider, I tend to forgot how fortunate I really am. I often take things for granted, and at times, really think my life is lackluster. However, when I truly reflect upon it, my life has often been full of great adventure and is really rather extraordinary.
Fortunately, I understand that I can still count my lucky stars even though I have also lived through certain tragedy and extreme sadness. Yet, in the end, it doesn't matter whether or not my life is "average" or not, what really counts is if I am enjoying the journey. Today, I can acknowledge that I truly am.......
February 15, 2011
With Me
When my mom first passed away, I didn't dream about her at all. I missed her terribly and I wanted to be with her any way possible, but the dreams would not come. Then, one evening about a month after her death, I had such a vivid dream that as soon as I realized I was awake, I shot out of bed and grabbed my journal. I recorded every detail I could recall--down to the color of flowers on her nightgown and what she said to me as I sat with her caressing her arm while she layed flat out in a chair on the lawn.
During this dream, there were lots of people shuffling by. I don't recall seeing many faces--only their backs and legs. But they walked on by as I sat with my mom outside of a tiny house on the front lawn. It didn't matter how many people were passing, it was as if we were the only two people around. Mom assured me that she was going to accompany me to a specific event in the near future.
I awoke from that dream feeling happy to have spent time with my mom, even if it was temporary. Yet, I did not have any more encounters like that one--until now. These days it seems as if just about every moring when I wake up, I am recalling some sort of contact I have had with my mom during the night. I don't recall many details, but I feel more of a presence. It is light and comforting, like a warm blanket.
It is consoling now that I seem to feel my mom's loving embrace even though we are on separate planes.......Thefore, I will continue to keep the door open which leads to a connection with my beloved mother and look forward to her next visit. I love you and miss you so very much mom!
February 8, 2011
Grief and Anger
Part of an email I wrote to my brother today:
I have had so much anger that I was scaring myself. Yet, in all of my grief counseling I am told this is totally normal. I have done many things in the name of taming my anger (including smashing plates with a hammer). But yet, that is the feeling that persists the most, for me.
So, on the note of going through one bit of anger and moving on to the next stage of grief.. Well, from what I have learned, part of that is old fashioned thinking. The new research shows that grief is more of a cycle. You cycle through phases until they become less and less and eventually see life in a new way.. you incorporate the loss into your way of living, instead of letting it control you.
Currently, I am in a daughters grieving their mothers support group and I am the only one that can freely talk about my intense rage and anger. I was the only one in the other group that spoke about the anger (although everyone agreed that they felt it too, but were too scared to talk about it). So, I think a person is "lucky" to be able to access anger because I have a lot to be angry about and it can eat you up.
I mean, shit, we lost our mother and we are young--she was young!!. That in itself is terrible. Let alone everything that was so traumatic leading up to her tragic ending. Even the the hindsight (20/20 for sure)..and how we couldn't do anything about it. You flew there and mom didn't want your help. There is nothing we could have done differently no matter what we want to tell ourselves. She wasn't going to deal with what was happening to her body..
And I would say that Fear definitely played a huge role in mom's choices, or lack thereof. I know she knew long before, there is no way that she could not. I am sorry that she did not trust us enough to confide in us, but on the other hand she was always the protector, she was always the one caring for everyone else (in her own way) so I can't see why she would do things any differently. I mean, afterall, she didn't want grandma to know she had cancer to the very end because she didn't want her to worry.
Part of me admires mom's independence and can see that she did things exactly how she wanted to and the other part of me knows how afraid she was of certain things and hopes that if she would have confided in someone, this may have all been prevented. But yet, it can't be prevented because we can't turn back the clock and, yet again, the anger comes back to me too.
Yes, men grieve different than women, I read tons on that too. So you are doing it exactly the way that is right for you. You also have a very busy life and that is keeping you distracted, but what I have learned is that the grief process does not go away even if we push it away. The counselors at Hospice told me that they have seen people come in ten years after the death of a loved one.
Grief finds a way to rear its ugly head and we must deal with it or it manifests in other ways. I believe I am on the healing side now and see life in a new light. But yes, just thinking about never, ever being able to talk to my own mom again sends me right into a tailspin! All I know today is that I am strong and will be ok.
I have had so much anger that I was scaring myself. Yet, in all of my grief counseling I am told this is totally normal. I have done many things in the name of taming my anger (including smashing plates with a hammer). But yet, that is the feeling that persists the most, for me.
So, on the note of going through one bit of anger and moving on to the next stage of grief.. Well, from what I have learned, part of that is old fashioned thinking. The new research shows that grief is more of a cycle. You cycle through phases until they become less and less and eventually see life in a new way.. you incorporate the loss into your way of living, instead of letting it control you.
Currently, I am in a daughters grieving their mothers support group and I am the only one that can freely talk about my intense rage and anger. I was the only one in the other group that spoke about the anger (although everyone agreed that they felt it too, but were too scared to talk about it). So, I think a person is "lucky" to be able to access anger because I have a lot to be angry about and it can eat you up.
I mean, shit, we lost our mother and we are young--she was young!!. That in itself is terrible. Let alone everything that was so traumatic leading up to her tragic ending. Even the the hindsight (20/20 for sure)..and how we couldn't do anything about it. You flew there and mom didn't want your help. There is nothing we could have done differently no matter what we want to tell ourselves. She wasn't going to deal with what was happening to her body..
And I would say that Fear definitely played a huge role in mom's choices, or lack thereof. I know she knew long before, there is no way that she could not. I am sorry that she did not trust us enough to confide in us, but on the other hand she was always the protector, she was always the one caring for everyone else (in her own way) so I can't see why she would do things any differently. I mean, afterall, she didn't want grandma to know she had cancer to the very end because she didn't want her to worry.
Part of me admires mom's independence and can see that she did things exactly how she wanted to and the other part of me knows how afraid she was of certain things and hopes that if she would have confided in someone, this may have all been prevented. But yet, it can't be prevented because we can't turn back the clock and, yet again, the anger comes back to me too.
Yes, men grieve different than women, I read tons on that too. So you are doing it exactly the way that is right for you. You also have a very busy life and that is keeping you distracted, but what I have learned is that the grief process does not go away even if we push it away. The counselors at Hospice told me that they have seen people come in ten years after the death of a loved one.
Grief finds a way to rear its ugly head and we must deal with it or it manifests in other ways. I believe I am on the healing side now and see life in a new light. But yes, just thinking about never, ever being able to talk to my own mom again sends me right into a tailspin! All I know today is that I am strong and will be ok.
February 7, 2011
A Secret Trip
Sometimes planning a trip can be lots of work. There are many details to consider such as making reservations, checking the weather, planning what to bring, and figuring out how long it will take to get reach the desired destination. Yet, when adding the element of "surprise" to a mini-vacation, that adds both an element of difficulty combined with the excitement of being able to really pull it off.
February 5, 2011
Missed a Few....
I have missed a few days of posting, but all for good reason.. My life is super busy! What, with work and family life, and exercising and everything in between I have not had much free time to sit down at my computer and type.
All in all, life is treating me good for the moment, so I am taking advantage of feeling great. Oh, and the 70 plus degree weather, doesn't hurt either...... life is really good sometimes!
All in all, life is treating me good for the moment, so I am taking advantage of feeling great. Oh, and the 70 plus degree weather, doesn't hurt either...... life is really good sometimes!
February 2, 2011
Sometimes It Just Bites
There is no way around it, but sometimes personal situations in life simply bite the big one. The only way I have found to deal with life's intricacies is to look around. A person can always find something or someone worse off. Or maybe they aren't worse off, but personal perception says it's so.
For example, I can't even begin to comprehend what is going on in Egypt. Sure, I see the chaos and destruction on TV, but I can't understand what makes a people go so crazy. I can't imagine living in fear and not even being able to walk out my front door.
Here in America, we are very lucky on so many levels. Sometimes when I think about every other person on the planet or any other situation I could have been born into, nine out of ten times, I count my blessings. Therefore, I just try to do my best in the moment to be grateful for what I really do have.
Blessings.........
For example, I can't even begin to comprehend what is going on in Egypt. Sure, I see the chaos and destruction on TV, but I can't understand what makes a people go so crazy. I can't imagine living in fear and not even being able to walk out my front door.
Here in America, we are very lucky on so many levels. Sometimes when I think about every other person on the planet or any other situation I could have been born into, nine out of ten times, I count my blessings. Therefore, I just try to do my best in the moment to be grateful for what I really do have.
Blessings.........
January 31, 2011
Forced Acceptance
Struggling through the intense grief process surrounding my mom's death has taught me some invaluable life lessons. Several of which seem like they would be the obvious consequence of losing a loved one, yet others being more obscure and not at all expected.
Throughout my own personal grieving experience, I fought against every single inch of accepting the fact that my mom would never, ever be a part of my life on this planet again. I experienced great rage and often scared myself with destructive thoughts of smashing things and punching holes in walls every time I yearned to hear her voice. I also secretly hated people who still had their moms, as I was certain they had no clue what this type of intense pain felt like. Yet, after months of living with these deep, dark thoughts, I learned to channel my anger into more productive activities. Gradually, I felt the release of my grasp on something that was simply impossible to hold any longer.Although it isn't always easy, nowadays, I continue to find a bit more serenity as the fits of anger and rage transpire less frequently.
I also slowly came to realize that my own life would never, ever be the same. Although at times, I still yearn for the truth to be otherwise. Yet, I know that no matter how hard I fight or how much I hate it, there will not ever be a way to reverse the hands of time and get my mom back. However, once I learned to accept the cold, hard fact that mom was never going to be here for me again, I began to integrate this concept into a new, more positive way of living and deepened other relationships in my life so they became even more meaningful and loving.
Another perceptible outcome of losing my mother is comprehending to my very core just how fragile and unpredictable life really is. This is not just a passing thought from time to time, but something I am incorporating into how I choose to experience each and every day. It is a reality that actually forces me to live a better life by enjoying every precious moment. And although it may sound a bit 'cliche,' I now realize on a deeper cellular level, that life is indeed very short and there are no guarantees whatsoever. So, I am actively trying to make the very best of whatever time I have left and not take things for granted. I am also more patient with those around me and do not lose my cool as easily as I once did when dealing with the "small stuff."
As of this post, it has been a little over 9 months since I watched my mom take her last breath. And, for the first time, I am starting to see a tiny bit of light and my first glimmer of hope that living without my mom, although always painful on some level, is something that I may even come to embrace. While I continue to be shown the many gifts (both past and present) my mom has bestowed upon me, I vow to share them with the world as I honor who she was as a woman, and carry on her wonderful legacy.
Throughout my own personal grieving experience, I fought against every single inch of accepting the fact that my mom would never, ever be a part of my life on this planet again. I experienced great rage and often scared myself with destructive thoughts of smashing things and punching holes in walls every time I yearned to hear her voice. I also secretly hated people who still had their moms, as I was certain they had no clue what this type of intense pain felt like. Yet, after months of living with these deep, dark thoughts, I learned to channel my anger into more productive activities. Gradually, I felt the release of my grasp on something that was simply impossible to hold any longer.Although it isn't always easy, nowadays, I continue to find a bit more serenity as the fits of anger and rage transpire less frequently.
I also slowly came to realize that my own life would never, ever be the same. Although at times, I still yearn for the truth to be otherwise. Yet, I know that no matter how hard I fight or how much I hate it, there will not ever be a way to reverse the hands of time and get my mom back. However, once I learned to accept the cold, hard fact that mom was never going to be here for me again, I began to integrate this concept into a new, more positive way of living and deepened other relationships in my life so they became even more meaningful and loving.
Another perceptible outcome of losing my mother is comprehending to my very core just how fragile and unpredictable life really is. This is not just a passing thought from time to time, but something I am incorporating into how I choose to experience each and every day. It is a reality that actually forces me to live a better life by enjoying every precious moment. And although it may sound a bit 'cliche,' I now realize on a deeper cellular level, that life is indeed very short and there are no guarantees whatsoever. So, I am actively trying to make the very best of whatever time I have left and not take things for granted. I am also more patient with those around me and do not lose my cool as easily as I once did when dealing with the "small stuff."
As of this post, it has been a little over 9 months since I watched my mom take her last breath. And, for the first time, I am starting to see a tiny bit of light and my first glimmer of hope that living without my mom, although always painful on some level, is something that I may even come to embrace. While I continue to be shown the many gifts (both past and present) my mom has bestowed upon me, I vow to share them with the world as I honor who she was as a woman, and carry on her wonderful legacy.
January 30, 2011
Living Light
Our garage sale was a huge success. We reached our goal of getting rid of a ton of "stuff" while at the same time, raking in over 700 dollars. It felt so darn good to exchange our unused items for dollar bills--even when the buyers got a total bargain.
The weather also treated us well, as the rain was kind enough to hold out until mid afternoon. At one point it started lightly misting, and we had to cover fragile items that were exposed to the elements, but soon even the mist dissipated.
At 2 pm, when the sale was over, we took whatever unsold items were left and piled them into the back of Will's Subaru before I could change my mind and decide I wanted to hold onto it all. While we were headed to the Goodwill drop off site, it literally started pouring. I cracked up, feeling so giddy at the fact that the "Weather God" was so kind as we literally missed having a soaking wet disaster by less than ten minutes!
After we happily unloaded everything at the drop off site, we headed straight back home, discussing how we weren't going to turn around and start buying a bunch more stuff to replace what we just let go of. Once home, it was a rather pleasant experience to be able to the entire floor of our garage once again. It dawned us how how long it had been since we had so much space to feely move about, so we started to dance...
In that moment I realized that too much clutter can definitely weigh a person down. Therefore, the more I release, the lighter I feel. Whether or not it is symbolic doesn't matter--living light feels oh so good!
The weather also treated us well, as the rain was kind enough to hold out until mid afternoon. At one point it started lightly misting, and we had to cover fragile items that were exposed to the elements, but soon even the mist dissipated.
At 2 pm, when the sale was over, we took whatever unsold items were left and piled them into the back of Will's Subaru before I could change my mind and decide I wanted to hold onto it all. While we were headed to the Goodwill drop off site, it literally started pouring. I cracked up, feeling so giddy at the fact that the "Weather God" was so kind as we literally missed having a soaking wet disaster by less than ten minutes!
After we happily unloaded everything at the drop off site, we headed straight back home, discussing how we weren't going to turn around and start buying a bunch more stuff to replace what we just let go of. Once home, it was a rather pleasant experience to be able to the entire floor of our garage once again. It dawned us how how long it had been since we had so much space to feely move about, so we started to dance...
In that moment I realized that too much clutter can definitely weigh a person down. Therefore, the more I release, the lighter I feel. Whether or not it is symbolic doesn't matter--living light feels oh so good!
Before After
January 25, 2011
Naked Ladies
I love everything about the gym--the variety of classes, the weight machines, the pool, the sauna, the hot tub, and the friendliness of my fellow workout mates. Yet, for all the positives of belonging to a health club, there is one thing I still cannot get comfortable with--butt naked ladies.
Don't get me wrong, I love the human body. I think the feminine shape is beautiful, but the kind of females I would probably prefer to see in the buff are sizzling-hot stripper types. Now, it's not that I expect everyone to be so perfectly made, but I have yet to get comfortable with a bunch of women who are at least ten years my senior walking around bare-assed and letting it all hang out.
I know it's odd to state that I have been perfectly content at clothing optional hot springs, where members of both sexes lounge around in various stages of undress. Yet, I still want to run screaming from the locker room of my very own gym. But I think the difference between the two is that the hot springs are refreshing and it is more of a silent, introspective experience where simply being without clothes adds an element of freedom and an enhanced connection with nature.
Whereas, at the gym, women stroll around, loudly gabbing to each other while competing with the sound of blow dryers. And for some reason, even in the midst of chaos, all I can see are asses jiggling and sagging boobies swinging past belly-buttons. Everyone seems to be oblivious to the nudity except me.
Personally, I prefer staying covered up in a towel because I am trying to show them how it's done. I have absolutely no desire to see these ladies, nor do I want them peering at me. Yet, now I wonder if when I'm old and gray, I will finally be comfortable enough in my own naked skin to put my leg up on the locker room bench, while I dry my wet hair and engage in a conversation with the other unclothed ladies about how the latest aerobics class just kicked my bare butt.
Don't get me wrong, I love the human body. I think the feminine shape is beautiful, but the kind of females I would probably prefer to see in the buff are sizzling-hot stripper types. Now, it's not that I expect everyone to be so perfectly made, but I have yet to get comfortable with a bunch of women who are at least ten years my senior walking around bare-assed and letting it all hang out.
I know it's odd to state that I have been perfectly content at clothing optional hot springs, where members of both sexes lounge around in various stages of undress. Yet, I still want to run screaming from the locker room of my very own gym. But I think the difference between the two is that the hot springs are refreshing and it is more of a silent, introspective experience where simply being without clothes adds an element of freedom and an enhanced connection with nature.
Whereas, at the gym, women stroll around, loudly gabbing to each other while competing with the sound of blow dryers. And for some reason, even in the midst of chaos, all I can see are asses jiggling and sagging boobies swinging past belly-buttons. Everyone seems to be oblivious to the nudity except me.
Personally, I prefer staying covered up in a towel because I am trying to show them how it's done. I have absolutely no desire to see these ladies, nor do I want them peering at me. Yet, now I wonder if when I'm old and gray, I will finally be comfortable enough in my own naked skin to put my leg up on the locker room bench, while I dry my wet hair and engage in a conversation with the other unclothed ladies about how the latest aerobics class just kicked my bare butt.
January 24, 2011
My New Motto??
Go. There's nothing stopping you. That is the motto for my most frequently flown airline. I don't know if it's a new motto or not, but until this point I never even noticed it.
Yet somehow, today, as I was making a flight reservation for my son Grover, it popped out as if it was speaking directly to me.... I wonder how many others have the same exact fantasy..
Go! There really is nothing stopping you!
Yet somehow, today, as I was making a flight reservation for my son Grover, it popped out as if it was speaking directly to me.... I wonder how many others have the same exact fantasy..
Go! There really is nothing stopping you!
January 23, 2011
Kitty Catches Her Tail
This is the first video I have ever posted on a blog.... Here you will see Kitty trying to catch her own tail.
We find it rather hilarious and much more entertaining than watching TV! Enjoy...
We find it rather hilarious and much more entertaining than watching TV! Enjoy...
January 22, 2011
Social Biking
Today I met a man named Robert. We were both waiting to take a cycling workshop at the gym, so we started talking as a way to pass the time. At some point during our conversation we were discussing how exercise, in general, can be quite the social activity. We continued bantering back and forth about which activities promoted the most enjoyable time spent with friends. Robert was all in favor of running because he insisted it was easier to have a conversation, and I couldn't disagree. We also both decided that swimming was definitely one of the least social and others such as soccer and skating were somewhere in between.
As we watched the other members of our group get properly fitted to their cycles, we continued conversing about the social dynamics of cycling. His train of thought was that riding one's bike isn't much of a communal activity. Whereas, I think cycling fits right up there next to running on the "ability to exercise and socialize at the same time" scale.
After a small debate, Robert whipped out his iPhone and showed me a picture of his bike which happened to be some fancy pants, super expensive brand cycle...This led to a one-sided conversation about how far he rode and how often. It was at this point I realized the reason why he didn't think cycling was much of a collective activity--he was a competitive man riding at a competitive pace. For him, riding his bike was more of a job than a leisurely event shared with good friends. I no longer felt the need to debate this topic, but was secretly happy that cycling with friends at a dawdling pace is one of my most favorite activities.
Later that same afternoon, I accompanied my friend Holly as she broke in her brand new rode bike. While we cruised along, we conversed about all sorts of thought provoking topics--from failing friendships to our excitement about the upcoming trail running group we are both a part of. We laughed and rode, rode and laughed. Somewhere along our route I recalled my earlier discussion with Robert. I then I looked at Holly and myself on our "entry level" bikes, cruising along at an easygoing pace on the creek side trail. We were taking in the amazing scenery and giggling like two young school girls. And at that moment in time, I was so very grateful for my not-so-competitive nature and my ability to be engaged in two of my favorite activities at the same time--riding my bike and sharing good times with a great friend.
As we watched the other members of our group get properly fitted to their cycles, we continued conversing about the social dynamics of cycling. His train of thought was that riding one's bike isn't much of a communal activity. Whereas, I think cycling fits right up there next to running on the "ability to exercise and socialize at the same time" scale.
After a small debate, Robert whipped out his iPhone and showed me a picture of his bike which happened to be some fancy pants, super expensive brand cycle...This led to a one-sided conversation about how far he rode and how often. It was at this point I realized the reason why he didn't think cycling was much of a collective activity--he was a competitive man riding at a competitive pace. For him, riding his bike was more of a job than a leisurely event shared with good friends. I no longer felt the need to debate this topic, but was secretly happy that cycling with friends at a dawdling pace is one of my most favorite activities.
Later that same afternoon, I accompanied my friend Holly as she broke in her brand new rode bike. While we cruised along, we conversed about all sorts of thought provoking topics--from failing friendships to our excitement about the upcoming trail running group we are both a part of. We laughed and rode, rode and laughed. Somewhere along our route I recalled my earlier discussion with Robert. I then I looked at Holly and myself on our "entry level" bikes, cruising along at an easygoing pace on the creek side trail. We were taking in the amazing scenery and giggling like two young school girls. And at that moment in time, I was so very grateful for my not-so-competitive nature and my ability to be engaged in two of my favorite activities at the same time--riding my bike and sharing good times with a great friend.
January 21, 2011
The Best of Friends.......
Kitty has lived with us for over a year now. Her official name is Trinity, but all we do is call her Kitty, so, I think all formality is officially out the window. When we first brought Kitty home, Neo wanted to eat her for dinner. He went stark raving mad at the sight of her, and began salivating as if she was the best thing since sliced bread (or in doggie speak--rare steak).
So, while we kept Kitty safely locked in the office, I thoroughly researched how to actually introduce a tiny kitten to a large dog. Yet, all the Internet pet experts told me to do was keep them separated. At that point, I really thought Grover and I had made a huge mistake and that we were immediately going to have find Kitty a new home.
However, we had wanted a kitten for years and did not want to give up easily. So, with lots of patience and persistence we were finally able to get Kitty and Neo together in very small doses. This was a difficult task which took two of us, as we had to keep Neo on the leash while convincing him that his Scooby Snacks were much more delicious than the little black and white fur ball running freely about the living room.
Needless to say, after working with them for over a month, we finally realized it was safe to let Neo off his leash, and we thought it would get easier. Still, for weeks there was utter chaos in the house. Neo would spend every waking hour harassing Kitty and chasing her around the house. Kitty would spend all of her time trying to hide from Neo and not get pursued. She made a hide out underneath my bed and would attack anyone's ankles who walked by--including Neo's.
Yet, although Kitty played tough girl from underneath the bed she still cowered whenever Neo ran her way. Until one day, when she finally got fed up and instead of running away, she arched her back, shot out her claws, and swatted Neo in the face. I sure was glad to have the privilege of actually witnessing that hilarious scene because at that very moment in time, the relationship between our two pets took a turn for the better. From that day forward, the two began playing together, sharing each other's food, and even sleeping next to each other in bed.
To this day, Neo and Kitty are the best of pals. Kitty even goes so far as to lick Neo and clean him up when he is dirty. They get into lots of trouble together--especially when they sneak in the snack drawer and gobble up all of their treats in the middle of the night when no one is watching. The close relationship these two animals share is one that many people in life continually to seek out. Therefore, it gives me so much pleasure to share our home with our two beloved pets----Mr. Neo and Miss Kitty.
So, while we kept Kitty safely locked in the office, I thoroughly researched how to actually introduce a tiny kitten to a large dog. Yet, all the Internet pet experts told me to do was keep them separated. At that point, I really thought Grover and I had made a huge mistake and that we were immediately going to have find Kitty a new home.
However, we had wanted a kitten for years and did not want to give up easily. So, with lots of patience and persistence we were finally able to get Kitty and Neo together in very small doses. This was a difficult task which took two of us, as we had to keep Neo on the leash while convincing him that his Scooby Snacks were much more delicious than the little black and white fur ball running freely about the living room.
Needless to say, after working with them for over a month, we finally realized it was safe to let Neo off his leash, and we thought it would get easier. Still, for weeks there was utter chaos in the house. Neo would spend every waking hour harassing Kitty and chasing her around the house. Kitty would spend all of her time trying to hide from Neo and not get pursued. She made a hide out underneath my bed and would attack anyone's ankles who walked by--including Neo's.
Yet, although Kitty played tough girl from underneath the bed she still cowered whenever Neo ran her way. Until one day, when she finally got fed up and instead of running away, she arched her back, shot out her claws, and swatted Neo in the face. I sure was glad to have the privilege of actually witnessing that hilarious scene because at that very moment in time, the relationship between our two pets took a turn for the better. From that day forward, the two began playing together, sharing each other's food, and even sleeping next to each other in bed.
To this day, Neo and Kitty are the best of pals. Kitty even goes so far as to lick Neo and clean him up when he is dirty. They get into lots of trouble together--especially when they sneak in the snack drawer and gobble up all of their treats in the middle of the night when no one is watching. The close relationship these two animals share is one that many people in life continually to seek out. Therefore, it gives me so much pleasure to share our home with our two beloved pets----Mr. Neo and Miss Kitty.
All tired out after a day of playing together.........
January 20, 2011
Some Stuff I Am Releasing....
January 18, 2011
Stuck On Stuff..
Why is it that we are so attached to stuff? For me, it is a convenience thing-- afterall, there may be a chance that I might need something in the future and if I get rid of it, then I won't have it. So, in my crazy way of thinking, it makes more sense to store boxes and boxes of stuff that I never open anyhow, than to just go out and buy the one thing I really want to utilize.
However, I also own important stuff that attaches me to my past. For example, I am storing tons of books, files and manipulatives from former my teaching jobs even though I have no intention whatsoever of returning to the classroom setting. Then, there are all of the clothes and shoes stuffed into my closet which would create some amazing outifts if I would only find the time or a place to actually wear them. I am sure that I probably don't even fit into many of the clothes I have been saving for longer than a couple of years..but maybe someday...
The irony of it all is that just recently I decided to free myself of some of this stuff. As I was in the process of cleaning out my closet, I came across a purse I no longer used and when I dumped out its contents, there was a little card inside. It was blank on one side, but when I flipped the thing over, on it was printed only one word..."RELEASE!" Now if that isn't a sign that it is time to let go of some things, I don't know what is...
However, I also own important stuff that attaches me to my past. For example, I am storing tons of books, files and manipulatives from former my teaching jobs even though I have no intention whatsoever of returning to the classroom setting. Then, there are all of the clothes and shoes stuffed into my closet which would create some amazing outifts if I would only find the time or a place to actually wear them. I am sure that I probably don't even fit into many of the clothes I have been saving for longer than a couple of years..but maybe someday...
The irony of it all is that just recently I decided to free myself of some of this stuff. As I was in the process of cleaning out my closet, I came across a purse I no longer used and when I dumped out its contents, there was a little card inside. It was blank on one side, but when I flipped the thing over, on it was printed only one word..."RELEASE!" Now if that isn't a sign that it is time to let go of some things, I don't know what is...
January 17, 2011
Gestation Period
Today marks the nine month anniversary of my mom's unfortunate death! Nine months = 273.931649 days. Nine months also marks the approximate gestation time of a baby in a mother's womb.
To me, there are many parallels between being torn from the warm, supportive environment of the womb and the immense grief of losing my mother. Both are inevitable, neither are 100% predictable--even with the advances of modern science, and certainly, both are very painful.
For the most part, grief is a time of darkness. It is a time of going within, a time of self-reflection, and a time of endless soul searching. When one faces the phenomenon of grief, they experience intensely raw emotions, overwhelming feelings of loss and regret, and question the meaning of life.
Yet, there is something inspirational about being in the darkness, isolated and alone and really taking the time to look within, which can lead to personal transformation and growth. As one experiences the many facets of grief, there often develops a positive shift in life-long patterns and superfluous behaviors. One begins to accept new ways of thinking, seeing and living. On the other side of the grief, there is joy, happiness and a renewed realization of what is truly important in life.
Although grief is one of the worst phenomenons humans will ever experience, it is also a catalyst for change and a constant reminder that life is truly precious and should be lived to the fullest!
To me, there are many parallels between being torn from the warm, supportive environment of the womb and the immense grief of losing my mother. Both are inevitable, neither are 100% predictable--even with the advances of modern science, and certainly, both are very painful.
For the most part, grief is a time of darkness. It is a time of going within, a time of self-reflection, and a time of endless soul searching. When one faces the phenomenon of grief, they experience intensely raw emotions, overwhelming feelings of loss and regret, and question the meaning of life.
Yet, there is something inspirational about being in the darkness, isolated and alone and really taking the time to look within, which can lead to personal transformation and growth. As one experiences the many facets of grief, there often develops a positive shift in life-long patterns and superfluous behaviors. One begins to accept new ways of thinking, seeing and living. On the other side of the grief, there is joy, happiness and a renewed realization of what is truly important in life.
Although grief is one of the worst phenomenons humans will ever experience, it is also a catalyst for change and a constant reminder that life is truly precious and should be lived to the fullest!
January 16, 2011
January 15, 2011
Too Much Stuff
Today I was walking my dog, Neo, through the streets of our neighborhood, and I noticed many garage doors open. Some of my neighbors were working in their garages, yet, it appeared that they were doing nothing more than organizing their junk. I call it junk, but I am certain that they believe, as I do, it is actually great treasure which is packed away "just in case" we need it at some point in the future. This got me thinking about how I cannot stand setting foot in my own garage because of its very own state of dissaray.
Now, I am aware there are certain items that definitely belong in the garage, such as holiday decorations, which are only utilized once a year, and paraphernalia to be used in the great outdoors like bikes, camping gear and lawnmowers. However, our garage is so full of so many potentially usable items that, more often than not, it is frustrating and near impossible to find what I am looking for.
What's worse is that even when I convince myself it's a brilliant idea to be free of the plethora of unused items in my garage, whenever I think about actually trying to accomplish this I become so overwhelmed I don't even know where to begin. My husband and I take turns accusing each other of owning the most stuff and arguing over who needs to get rid of what. I think he owns way too many tools, for instance and he thinks I have more than my fair share of art supplies. Yet, neither one of us is actually willing to get rid of a darn thing.
Now, I understand it's great to have a place to store stuff when you aren't using it, but what makes this a problem is that I, for instance, get sick of various items cluttering my living space, so I conveniently move them to the garage. This makes my house look sparkling clean and organized, but the second I step foot in our garage I become dizzy and claustrophobic.
Therefore, as an attempt at a solution, I am going to revamp last year's New Year's Resolution-- to get rid of one thing every day. Honestly, I did follow through with it and learned to love freeing up our household of many unused goods and clothes from my closet, but guess where they ended up?
Consequently, I am going to take that resolution step further and actually start emptying the garage. It's really going to be Ok, I will take a deep breath and just start with one item at a time,,,,, so, does anyone need some power tools?
Now, I am aware there are certain items that definitely belong in the garage, such as holiday decorations, which are only utilized once a year, and paraphernalia to be used in the great outdoors like bikes, camping gear and lawnmowers. However, our garage is so full of so many potentially usable items that, more often than not, it is frustrating and near impossible to find what I am looking for.
What's worse is that even when I convince myself it's a brilliant idea to be free of the plethora of unused items in my garage, whenever I think about actually trying to accomplish this I become so overwhelmed I don't even know where to begin. My husband and I take turns accusing each other of owning the most stuff and arguing over who needs to get rid of what. I think he owns way too many tools, for instance and he thinks I have more than my fair share of art supplies. Yet, neither one of us is actually willing to get rid of a darn thing.
Now, I understand it's great to have a place to store stuff when you aren't using it, but what makes this a problem is that I, for instance, get sick of various items cluttering my living space, so I conveniently move them to the garage. This makes my house look sparkling clean and organized, but the second I step foot in our garage I become dizzy and claustrophobic.
Therefore, as an attempt at a solution, I am going to revamp last year's New Year's Resolution-- to get rid of one thing every day. Honestly, I did follow through with it and learned to love freeing up our household of many unused goods and clothes from my closet, but guess where they ended up?
Consequently, I am going to take that resolution step further and actually start emptying the garage. It's really going to be Ok, I will take a deep breath and just start with one item at a time,,,,, so, does anyone need some power tools?
January 14, 2011
MRI Event
MRI's are creepy.. the radiologists strap you to a board and shove you in a dark tube. It's very loud--lots of clicking and clacking so you have to wear ear plugs... thank goodness for the fans blowing wind, which at leasts help with reducing that claustrophobic feeling.
I had the strangest dreams while inside the x-ray machine. At one point I saw a bright light passing by my closed eyes. It was as if the doctor was doing an eye exam. The dream was so realistic and the luminosity so bright it startled me awake, but when I actually opened my eyes the mysterious light was nowhere to be found.
I continued to lay as still as possible, but the worst part of the MRI was simply entering the hospital itself. All of the sights, sounds and smells came flooding back from a traumatic time in my family's life.....not so long ago.
I had the strangest dreams while inside the x-ray machine. At one point I saw a bright light passing by my closed eyes. It was as if the doctor was doing an eye exam. The dream was so realistic and the luminosity so bright it startled me awake, but when I actually opened my eyes the mysterious light was nowhere to be found.
I continued to lay as still as possible, but the worst part of the MRI was simply entering the hospital itself. All of the sights, sounds and smells came flooding back from a traumatic time in my family's life.....not so long ago.
Suffocation
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night paralyzed and feeling like I am going to suffocate. Usually I lay in bed awake for hours, the seconds clicking slowly by as my mind spins and swirls around all of the things I can't seem to get a handle on. This evening's topics happen to be: My son is transitioning from the homeschooling scene into a traditional site-based high school, and the California budget deficit may be threatening my job yet again.
No wonder I feel that everything seems so uncertain......Although my son going to high school isn't actually a bad thing, it does mark an end to the way we spend time together. I know that he is starting college soon and as his mom, I want to squeak out every little second together before experiencing "empty nest syndrome." So, although I am proud of Grover for the successful young adult he is becoming and I am happy that he is getting to experience life as he sees fit, I secretly yearn for the days when he needs his mommy and we spend hours together snuggling on the couch reading stories and giggling.
Speaking of giggling and happiness, I truly love my job. This school is honestly one of the best places I have ever worked. Yet, the unfortunate truth of the situation is that education has been in jeopardy for the past several years. The California budget crisis is wreaking havoc on employment situations. Our school teaching staff have collectively reduced our salaries to 80% of our pay just to try and stay alive. The upcoming budget cuts also do not look good for our school as a whole. Yet, all I can do is hope and pray it's not as bad as "they" say. And I still have a couple of months left before I find out any potentially dangerous news.
Of course, it would be nice to feel like I had some control over major, life-changing situations, but the reality is there is no controlling much of anything....and this is a really hard lesson to learn and even more difficult to accept.
No wonder I feel that everything seems so uncertain......Although my son going to high school isn't actually a bad thing, it does mark an end to the way we spend time together. I know that he is starting college soon and as his mom, I want to squeak out every little second together before experiencing "empty nest syndrome." So, although I am proud of Grover for the successful young adult he is becoming and I am happy that he is getting to experience life as he sees fit, I secretly yearn for the days when he needs his mommy and we spend hours together snuggling on the couch reading stories and giggling.
Speaking of giggling and happiness, I truly love my job. This school is honestly one of the best places I have ever worked. Yet, the unfortunate truth of the situation is that education has been in jeopardy for the past several years. The California budget crisis is wreaking havoc on employment situations. Our school teaching staff have collectively reduced our salaries to 80% of our pay just to try and stay alive. The upcoming budget cuts also do not look good for our school as a whole. Yet, all I can do is hope and pray it's not as bad as "they" say. And I still have a couple of months left before I find out any potentially dangerous news.
Of course, it would be nice to feel like I had some control over major, life-changing situations, but the reality is there is no controlling much of anything....and this is a really hard lesson to learn and even more difficult to accept.
January 13, 2011
Pilates...
From the moment I put my feet on the floor to get out bed, I knew without a doubt that this day was going to be a good one. This morning I was full of hope for positive events to occur and grateful for so many aspects of my life--especially my job. Yet, as the day progressed, negative experiences and complicated issues slowly infiltrated my little peaceful world. By the end of the day I was dealing with issues I have been trying to avoid for years. It is quite an unsettling feeling when things are so uncertain.... Again, just when I think I have a handle on it all, life throws me a curve.
However, today was also the first time I tried the Pilates class at my new gym. I loved the slow, breath-oriented movements and the way I could stretch my body into a multitude of positions. This experience made me pay close attention to my entire being, even realizing its certain limitations. Yet, for the most part, Pilates made me feel grateful for being so strong and at peace with who I am.
And the best thing about being strong is that it makes me realize I can handle life's curves... maybe not with a constant flow of grace and tact, but I know deep down I will find ways to take care of myself in the light of difficult situations. What's more, is that now I can add Pilates to my bag of survival tools....
However, today was also the first time I tried the Pilates class at my new gym. I loved the slow, breath-oriented movements and the way I could stretch my body into a multitude of positions. This experience made me pay close attention to my entire being, even realizing its certain limitations. Yet, for the most part, Pilates made me feel grateful for being so strong and at peace with who I am.
And the best thing about being strong is that it makes me realize I can handle life's curves... maybe not with a constant flow of grace and tact, but I know deep down I will find ways to take care of myself in the light of difficult situations. What's more, is that now I can add Pilates to my bag of survival tools....
January 12, 2011
Today's Theme: Living Alone
Some people I know live alone while others I know secretly wish they were living alone. Yet still, others don't actually want to live alone, but were forced by their significant others to make such a change........
What does one do when they are afraid to make the leap to that of living singly in a dwelling of their choice...... is it really that difficult?
Maybe a list of the pros and cons of being single and living alone is in order....
Pros Cons
peaceful costly
all you lonely
quiet quiet
do what you want boring
I am sure there are many more... what are your ideas?
What does one do when they are afraid to make the leap to that of living singly in a dwelling of their choice...... is it really that difficult?
Maybe a list of the pros and cons of being single and living alone is in order....
Pros Cons
peaceful costly
all you lonely
quiet quiet
do what you want boring
I am sure there are many more... what are your ideas?
January 11, 2011
1/11/11--To Settle or Not to Settle
Just yesterday I was struggling to board down a snow covered mountain because, unfortunately, I had somehow lost all the abilities I acquired last season. It didn't matter how, when, and where I wanted my snowboard to go, it would not cooperate. I spent more time crashing to the ground than I did cruising down the mountain.
Now, I am not normally a quitter, but I was so upset at my skill deficiency I vowed to end my snowboarding practices once and for all. As a matter of fact, before I even made it back to the lodge, my boarding gear was already sold on Craigslist and I was ready for a new hobby.
My husband and son tried to talk me out of giving up the sport, but for me, it wasn't actually about quitting.. it was about "settling." I'm not sure how, between pounding my fists in the snow during a fit of rage and becoming sick and tired of only being mediocre at so many things, I made a connection. I thought about settling in other areas in my life and I am still not sure if that is just what one does because it is human nature or if its because it seems like the easiest way to proceed for the time being.
After an evening of thinking about settling with being only mediocre at snowboarding, I made myself a deal. This morning I signed up for a lesson with the idea that if I didn't see any improvement, I really would get rid of my snowboarding gear once and for all. Yet, lo and behold, the Snowboarding Gods must have wanted me to stick it out because today is the day I performed better than ever before. So, lucky for my snow gear, it is stuck with me. And what's more, I am already planning my next trip back to Tahoe in the near future because the more I ride, the better I will become and I won't have to settle in this arena any longer. One down.. many more to go!
Now, I am not normally a quitter, but I was so upset at my skill deficiency I vowed to end my snowboarding practices once and for all. As a matter of fact, before I even made it back to the lodge, my boarding gear was already sold on Craigslist and I was ready for a new hobby.
My husband and son tried to talk me out of giving up the sport, but for me, it wasn't actually about quitting.. it was about "settling." I'm not sure how, between pounding my fists in the snow during a fit of rage and becoming sick and tired of only being mediocre at so many things, I made a connection. I thought about settling in other areas in my life and I am still not sure if that is just what one does because it is human nature or if its because it seems like the easiest way to proceed for the time being.
After an evening of thinking about settling with being only mediocre at snowboarding, I made myself a deal. This morning I signed up for a lesson with the idea that if I didn't see any improvement, I really would get rid of my snowboarding gear once and for all. Yet, lo and behold, the Snowboarding Gods must have wanted me to stick it out because today is the day I performed better than ever before. So, lucky for my snow gear, it is stuck with me. And what's more, I am already planning my next trip back to Tahoe in the near future because the more I ride, the better I will become and I won't have to settle in this arena any longer. One down.. many more to go!
January 10, 2011
Catching Up...
Since I created this blog ten days into the new year, I need to catch you up on the first nine...here are some highlights from what I remember best....
January 1:
I woke up without a hangover because of what my husband called a "lame" New Years Eve. This was spent at my dad's house in Florida. My brother Jason, his wife Alison and their two young children were also in town for a whirlwind vacation visit. We did enjoy a most delicious, homecooked meal of fresh seafood and devoured a bazillion raw oysters as both appetizers and dessert. Because our stuffed bellies were making us tired, we had to play cards so that we could stay awake way past ten o'clock to watch Dick Clark, the old puppet on a string, drop the ball. What's more, we didn't even open the two bottles of champagne we bought specifically for the occasion...and as my husband also points out, we didn't enjoy them as mimosas at any point afterward.
Now back to the first day of 2011: They say that whatever you do on the first day of the new year is what you will be doing all year. I did spend part of the day happily visitng with my family, but I also spent much of it alone (hmmmm...). I took a long walk in one of my favorite parks (Taylor Lake) and then had a deliciously long nap. I guess one could conclude that although it was rather uneventlful, it was a much needed day of rest and self-care--which I definitely intend to better incorporate into my lifestyle in the upcoming year.
January 2:
This was our last full day of our vactaion in Florida. Of course, the weather turned cloudy as soon as Will put on his swimsuit and headed to the pool--go figure. Yet, I didn't mind because I got to spend the day with one of my favorite people on this planet--my grandma! She still works in the proshop of a small 9 hole golf course in Largo, FL, where she has been employed for the last 40 years. My grandma, Bonnie, is one of the most amazing people I know and you will hear much more about her as my year progresses.
January 3:
On our last day in Florida, I took my grandma to get her stitches out. She had surgery two weeks prior to have a steel plate and eight screws removed from her ankle, which she severely broke a decade earlier. A screw was coming unscrewed from the plate and was protruding out of her skin. Therefore, the doctor decided to remove the whole gosh darn thing. My dad said it was the only time he could say "his mother-in-law had a screw loose" and get away with it. Later that day, my family and I boarded the plane heading back to California. I had tears in my eyes and great sadness in my heart because it is always so hard to leave my hometown and travel all the way across the country to where we reside now.
January 4:
My husband and I had to go back to work this day without an opportunity to adjust to the three hour time difference. However, the bonus of my job is that I was able to spend the day working in my jammies, whereas, my husband had to get dressed in his uniform and actually GO to work. I must say I really love my job! Oh, and don't tell my husband this (because he gets jealous) but I didn't put "real" clothes on all day. My jammies were the perfect outfit for me because I did not leave the house once...Thank goodness for the nature of my job, the invention of computers, and my capacity to work from remote locations.
January 5:
Wednesdays and Thursdays are the days I actually drive into work, so this day I actaully got dressed and went to work. The day was busy with family meetings and catching up with co-workers, but I had a great time. The weather was really cold, but the sun was shining, so I was happy. All the cold weather in Florida made it easier to return to the chilly temps here. That evening was a big ordeal for me because I got to go on my first run in over six months with the Fleet Feet running group. It is such a pleasure for me to finally be getting back into running again, but it is even more enjoyable when running a great group and carb loading afterwards. I was so elated to be wearing my running shoes again as I have been working through hip bursitus and a mysterious hamstring injury...
January 6:
Another day where I went into work. However, I also enjoy Thursdays because I meet with the families on my roster, and I also tutor on this day. I love seeing the progress these young readers are making. It really makes my job fullfilling and worthwhile.
On Thursday evening, my family and I went to the gym. It was our first time going together because we just joined. I participated in a NIA body awareness class while Will and Grover worked out on the weight machines. Afterwards, I relaxed in the sauna and then soaked in the hot tub. By the time I returned home, I felt wonderful. I am predicting now that joining the gym will be very beneficial for my family.........
January 7:
Grover and I visited Will for lunch at the Coast Guard Base where we all proceeded to stuff our faces at the Seafood Buffet. Every Friday the Coasties in the cooking school dish out a smorgasboard of seafood and every Friday I swear to myself that I am not going to over eat. Yet, every Friday, guess what I do? As a matter of fact, I ate so much food that I was still full when I met a friend that evening for dinner and drinks. It really didn't matter that I couldn't finish my dinner though, because I had leftovers for the next day and we ended up having so much fun, we needed to take taxi home. Need I say more?
January 8:
Even though I stayed out late the night before, I managed to wake up early and drag myself out of bed so that my husband and I could go bike riding with some friends. We cruised on our bikes through sub zero temps (not really, but it sure felt like it) down the Joe Rodata Trail and into Graton where we all enjoyed a most scrumptious breakfast together. I have to say that it was really difficult to leave the warmth of the cafe' to endure the cold ride back home. However, the highlight of that day was actually returning home to a steaming hot shower and putting my pj's on, which I then proceeded to stay in for the rest of the day while lazing about the house.
Janurary 9:
Wow, this post brings us to yesterday.. the final day before I had the idea to create this crazy blog...
Anyhow, yesterday morning I joined a group of pals for a run out at Pt. Rayes. I wasn't sure how my injury would hold up to the longest run yet (8 miles) but Pt. Rayes is such a beautiful place, I could not resist.
The run out was fine, but the run back was quite painful. It was a good thing that I was surrounded by such great friends...or I would have really been depressed. I am tired of being injured, but I only have myself to blame for waiting so long to do something about it.
The rest of yesterday was crap.. we were supposed to leave for our Tahoe trip last night, but some misunderstandings, a communication breakdown, and some unreasonable expectations were a recipe for disaster. Well not a real disaster, just an explosive argument that stopped us from leaving as planned.
Yet, here we are, and maybe if we would have actually left yesterday afternoon, I would not have been thinking about my goals and decided to create this blog. So, as some may believe, "Everything happens for a reason."
January 1:
I woke up without a hangover because of what my husband called a "lame" New Years Eve. This was spent at my dad's house in Florida. My brother Jason, his wife Alison and their two young children were also in town for a whirlwind vacation visit. We did enjoy a most delicious, homecooked meal of fresh seafood and devoured a bazillion raw oysters as both appetizers and dessert. Because our stuffed bellies were making us tired, we had to play cards so that we could stay awake way past ten o'clock to watch Dick Clark, the old puppet on a string, drop the ball. What's more, we didn't even open the two bottles of champagne we bought specifically for the occasion...and as my husband also points out, we didn't enjoy them as mimosas at any point afterward.
Now back to the first day of 2011: They say that whatever you do on the first day of the new year is what you will be doing all year. I did spend part of the day happily visitng with my family, but I also spent much of it alone (hmmmm...). I took a long walk in one of my favorite parks (Taylor Lake) and then had a deliciously long nap. I guess one could conclude that although it was rather uneventlful, it was a much needed day of rest and self-care--which I definitely intend to better incorporate into my lifestyle in the upcoming year.
January 2:
This was our last full day of our vactaion in Florida. Of course, the weather turned cloudy as soon as Will put on his swimsuit and headed to the pool--go figure. Yet, I didn't mind because I got to spend the day with one of my favorite people on this planet--my grandma! She still works in the proshop of a small 9 hole golf course in Largo, FL, where she has been employed for the last 40 years. My grandma, Bonnie, is one of the most amazing people I know and you will hear much more about her as my year progresses.
January 3:
On our last day in Florida, I took my grandma to get her stitches out. She had surgery two weeks prior to have a steel plate and eight screws removed from her ankle, which she severely broke a decade earlier. A screw was coming unscrewed from the plate and was protruding out of her skin. Therefore, the doctor decided to remove the whole gosh darn thing. My dad said it was the only time he could say "his mother-in-law had a screw loose" and get away with it. Later that day, my family and I boarded the plane heading back to California. I had tears in my eyes and great sadness in my heart because it is always so hard to leave my hometown and travel all the way across the country to where we reside now.
January 4:
My husband and I had to go back to work this day without an opportunity to adjust to the three hour time difference. However, the bonus of my job is that I was able to spend the day working in my jammies, whereas, my husband had to get dressed in his uniform and actually GO to work. I must say I really love my job! Oh, and don't tell my husband this (because he gets jealous) but I didn't put "real" clothes on all day. My jammies were the perfect outfit for me because I did not leave the house once...Thank goodness for the nature of my job, the invention of computers, and my capacity to work from remote locations.
January 5:
Wednesdays and Thursdays are the days I actually drive into work, so this day I actaully got dressed and went to work. The day was busy with family meetings and catching up with co-workers, but I had a great time. The weather was really cold, but the sun was shining, so I was happy. All the cold weather in Florida made it easier to return to the chilly temps here. That evening was a big ordeal for me because I got to go on my first run in over six months with the Fleet Feet running group. It is such a pleasure for me to finally be getting back into running again, but it is even more enjoyable when running a great group and carb loading afterwards. I was so elated to be wearing my running shoes again as I have been working through hip bursitus and a mysterious hamstring injury...
January 6:
Another day where I went into work. However, I also enjoy Thursdays because I meet with the families on my roster, and I also tutor on this day. I love seeing the progress these young readers are making. It really makes my job fullfilling and worthwhile.
On Thursday evening, my family and I went to the gym. It was our first time going together because we just joined. I participated in a NIA body awareness class while Will and Grover worked out on the weight machines. Afterwards, I relaxed in the sauna and then soaked in the hot tub. By the time I returned home, I felt wonderful. I am predicting now that joining the gym will be very beneficial for my family.........
January 7:
Grover and I visited Will for lunch at the Coast Guard Base where we all proceeded to stuff our faces at the Seafood Buffet. Every Friday the Coasties in the cooking school dish out a smorgasboard of seafood and every Friday I swear to myself that I am not going to over eat. Yet, every Friday, guess what I do? As a matter of fact, I ate so much food that I was still full when I met a friend that evening for dinner and drinks. It really didn't matter that I couldn't finish my dinner though, because I had leftovers for the next day and we ended up having so much fun, we needed to take taxi home. Need I say more?
January 8:
Even though I stayed out late the night before, I managed to wake up early and drag myself out of bed so that my husband and I could go bike riding with some friends. We cruised on our bikes through sub zero temps (not really, but it sure felt like it) down the Joe Rodata Trail and into Graton where we all enjoyed a most scrumptious breakfast together. I have to say that it was really difficult to leave the warmth of the cafe' to endure the cold ride back home. However, the highlight of that day was actually returning home to a steaming hot shower and putting my pj's on, which I then proceeded to stay in for the rest of the day while lazing about the house.
Janurary 9:
Wow, this post brings us to yesterday.. the final day before I had the idea to create this crazy blog...
Anyhow, yesterday morning I joined a group of pals for a run out at Pt. Rayes. I wasn't sure how my injury would hold up to the longest run yet (8 miles) but Pt. Rayes is such a beautiful place, I could not resist.
The run out was fine, but the run back was quite painful. It was a good thing that I was surrounded by such great friends...or I would have really been depressed. I am tired of being injured, but I only have myself to blame for waiting so long to do something about it.
The rest of yesterday was crap.. we were supposed to leave for our Tahoe trip last night, but some misunderstandings, a communication breakdown, and some unreasonable expectations were a recipe for disaster. Well not a real disaster, just an explosive argument that stopped us from leaving as planned.
Yet, here we are, and maybe if we would have actually left yesterday afternoon, I would not have been thinking about my goals and decided to create this blog. So, as some may believe, "Everything happens for a reason."
One Year In The Making
I woke up really early this morning.. 5:45 a.m. to be exact! That's because my family was taking our first trip of the season to Lake Tahoe for our snowboarding escapades. So, after I finally made it out of the house and the coffee kicked in, I faced that fact that I was indeed in one of my least favorite places---the driver's seat. However, there is a commonsensical reason for this and it's because my husband and I have a routine whenever we take road trips. I usually drive "there" (wherever that is..) and my husband usually chauffers us back home.
So, after a couple of hours behind the wheel, as I was struggling to keep myself awake, (did I mention that I don't usually get up so damn early), I was thinking about my goals for 2011 and mentally taking notes. That's when it occurred to me that I actually live an average American life....I mean, it's not the worst thing in the world, but there is really nothing glamorous or exciting about it either. Yet, with all the major events that took place in my life last year (more on those later) I am now making some life affirming changes. Furthermore, since we are only ten days into 2011, I decided it's the perfect time to start this blog and document one year of my "average" life in the making...
So, after a couple of hours behind the wheel, as I was struggling to keep myself awake, (did I mention that I don't usually get up so damn early), I was thinking about my goals for 2011 and mentally taking notes. That's when it occurred to me that I actually live an average American life....I mean, it's not the worst thing in the world, but there is really nothing glamorous or exciting about it either. Yet, with all the major events that took place in my life last year (more on those later) I am now making some life affirming changes. Furthermore, since we are only ten days into 2011, I decided it's the perfect time to start this blog and document one year of my "average" life in the making...
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