Struggling through the intense grief process surrounding my mom's death has taught me some invaluable life lessons. Several of which seem like they would be the obvious consequence of losing a loved one, yet others being more obscure and not at all expected.
Throughout my own personal grieving experience, I fought against every single inch of accepting the fact that my mom would never, ever be a part of my life on this planet again. I experienced great rage and often scared myself with destructive thoughts of smashing things and punching holes in walls every time I yearned to hear her voice. I also secretly hated people who still had their moms, as I was certain they had no clue what this type of intense pain felt like. Yet, after months of living with these deep, dark thoughts, I learned to channel my anger into more productive activities. Gradually, I felt the release of my grasp on something that was simply impossible to hold any longer.Although it isn't always easy, nowadays, I continue to find a bit more serenity as the fits of anger and rage transpire less frequently.
I also slowly came to realize that my own life would never, ever be the same. Although at times, I still yearn for the truth to be otherwise. Yet, I know that no matter how hard I fight or how much I hate it, there will not ever be a way to reverse the hands of time and get my mom back. However, once I learned to accept the cold, hard fact that mom was never going to be here for me again, I began to integrate this concept into a new, more positive way of living and deepened other relationships in my life so they became even more meaningful and loving.
Another perceptible outcome of losing my mother is comprehending to my very core just how fragile and unpredictable life really is. This is not just a passing thought from time to time, but something I am incorporating into how I choose to experience each and every day. It is a reality that actually forces me to live a better life by enjoying every precious moment. And although it may sound a bit 'cliche,' I now realize on a deeper cellular level, that life is indeed very short and there are no guarantees whatsoever. So, I am actively trying to make the very best of whatever time I have left and not take things for granted. I am also more patient with those around me and do not lose my cool as easily as I once did when dealing with the "small stuff."
As of this post, it has been a little over 9 months since I watched my mom take her last breath. And, for the first time, I am starting to see a tiny bit of light and my first glimmer of hope that living without my mom, although always painful on some level, is something that I may even come to embrace. While I continue to be shown the many gifts (both past and present) my mom has bestowed upon me, I vow to share them with the world as I honor who she was as a woman, and carry on her wonderful legacy.
January 31, 2011
January 30, 2011
Living Light
Our garage sale was a huge success. We reached our goal of getting rid of a ton of "stuff" while at the same time, raking in over 700 dollars. It felt so darn good to exchange our unused items for dollar bills--even when the buyers got a total bargain.
The weather also treated us well, as the rain was kind enough to hold out until mid afternoon. At one point it started lightly misting, and we had to cover fragile items that were exposed to the elements, but soon even the mist dissipated.
At 2 pm, when the sale was over, we took whatever unsold items were left and piled them into the back of Will's Subaru before I could change my mind and decide I wanted to hold onto it all. While we were headed to the Goodwill drop off site, it literally started pouring. I cracked up, feeling so giddy at the fact that the "Weather God" was so kind as we literally missed having a soaking wet disaster by less than ten minutes!
After we happily unloaded everything at the drop off site, we headed straight back home, discussing how we weren't going to turn around and start buying a bunch more stuff to replace what we just let go of. Once home, it was a rather pleasant experience to be able to the entire floor of our garage once again. It dawned us how how long it had been since we had so much space to feely move about, so we started to dance...
In that moment I realized that too much clutter can definitely weigh a person down. Therefore, the more I release, the lighter I feel. Whether or not it is symbolic doesn't matter--living light feels oh so good!
The weather also treated us well, as the rain was kind enough to hold out until mid afternoon. At one point it started lightly misting, and we had to cover fragile items that were exposed to the elements, but soon even the mist dissipated.
At 2 pm, when the sale was over, we took whatever unsold items were left and piled them into the back of Will's Subaru before I could change my mind and decide I wanted to hold onto it all. While we were headed to the Goodwill drop off site, it literally started pouring. I cracked up, feeling so giddy at the fact that the "Weather God" was so kind as we literally missed having a soaking wet disaster by less than ten minutes!
After we happily unloaded everything at the drop off site, we headed straight back home, discussing how we weren't going to turn around and start buying a bunch more stuff to replace what we just let go of. Once home, it was a rather pleasant experience to be able to the entire floor of our garage once again. It dawned us how how long it had been since we had so much space to feely move about, so we started to dance...
In that moment I realized that too much clutter can definitely weigh a person down. Therefore, the more I release, the lighter I feel. Whether or not it is symbolic doesn't matter--living light feels oh so good!
Before After
January 25, 2011
Naked Ladies
I love everything about the gym--the variety of classes, the weight machines, the pool, the sauna, the hot tub, and the friendliness of my fellow workout mates. Yet, for all the positives of belonging to a health club, there is one thing I still cannot get comfortable with--butt naked ladies.
Don't get me wrong, I love the human body. I think the feminine shape is beautiful, but the kind of females I would probably prefer to see in the buff are sizzling-hot stripper types. Now, it's not that I expect everyone to be so perfectly made, but I have yet to get comfortable with a bunch of women who are at least ten years my senior walking around bare-assed and letting it all hang out.
I know it's odd to state that I have been perfectly content at clothing optional hot springs, where members of both sexes lounge around in various stages of undress. Yet, I still want to run screaming from the locker room of my very own gym. But I think the difference between the two is that the hot springs are refreshing and it is more of a silent, introspective experience where simply being without clothes adds an element of freedom and an enhanced connection with nature.
Whereas, at the gym, women stroll around, loudly gabbing to each other while competing with the sound of blow dryers. And for some reason, even in the midst of chaos, all I can see are asses jiggling and sagging boobies swinging past belly-buttons. Everyone seems to be oblivious to the nudity except me.
Personally, I prefer staying covered up in a towel because I am trying to show them how it's done. I have absolutely no desire to see these ladies, nor do I want them peering at me. Yet, now I wonder if when I'm old and gray, I will finally be comfortable enough in my own naked skin to put my leg up on the locker room bench, while I dry my wet hair and engage in a conversation with the other unclothed ladies about how the latest aerobics class just kicked my bare butt.
Don't get me wrong, I love the human body. I think the feminine shape is beautiful, but the kind of females I would probably prefer to see in the buff are sizzling-hot stripper types. Now, it's not that I expect everyone to be so perfectly made, but I have yet to get comfortable with a bunch of women who are at least ten years my senior walking around bare-assed and letting it all hang out.
I know it's odd to state that I have been perfectly content at clothing optional hot springs, where members of both sexes lounge around in various stages of undress. Yet, I still want to run screaming from the locker room of my very own gym. But I think the difference between the two is that the hot springs are refreshing and it is more of a silent, introspective experience where simply being without clothes adds an element of freedom and an enhanced connection with nature.
Whereas, at the gym, women stroll around, loudly gabbing to each other while competing with the sound of blow dryers. And for some reason, even in the midst of chaos, all I can see are asses jiggling and sagging boobies swinging past belly-buttons. Everyone seems to be oblivious to the nudity except me.
Personally, I prefer staying covered up in a towel because I am trying to show them how it's done. I have absolutely no desire to see these ladies, nor do I want them peering at me. Yet, now I wonder if when I'm old and gray, I will finally be comfortable enough in my own naked skin to put my leg up on the locker room bench, while I dry my wet hair and engage in a conversation with the other unclothed ladies about how the latest aerobics class just kicked my bare butt.
January 24, 2011
My New Motto??
Go. There's nothing stopping you. That is the motto for my most frequently flown airline. I don't know if it's a new motto or not, but until this point I never even noticed it.
Yet somehow, today, as I was making a flight reservation for my son Grover, it popped out as if it was speaking directly to me.... I wonder how many others have the same exact fantasy..
Go! There really is nothing stopping you!
Yet somehow, today, as I was making a flight reservation for my son Grover, it popped out as if it was speaking directly to me.... I wonder how many others have the same exact fantasy..
Go! There really is nothing stopping you!
January 23, 2011
Kitty Catches Her Tail
This is the first video I have ever posted on a blog.... Here you will see Kitty trying to catch her own tail.
We find it rather hilarious and much more entertaining than watching TV! Enjoy...
We find it rather hilarious and much more entertaining than watching TV! Enjoy...
January 22, 2011
Social Biking
Today I met a man named Robert. We were both waiting to take a cycling workshop at the gym, so we started talking as a way to pass the time. At some point during our conversation we were discussing how exercise, in general, can be quite the social activity. We continued bantering back and forth about which activities promoted the most enjoyable time spent with friends. Robert was all in favor of running because he insisted it was easier to have a conversation, and I couldn't disagree. We also both decided that swimming was definitely one of the least social and others such as soccer and skating were somewhere in between.
As we watched the other members of our group get properly fitted to their cycles, we continued conversing about the social dynamics of cycling. His train of thought was that riding one's bike isn't much of a communal activity. Whereas, I think cycling fits right up there next to running on the "ability to exercise and socialize at the same time" scale.
After a small debate, Robert whipped out his iPhone and showed me a picture of his bike which happened to be some fancy pants, super expensive brand cycle...This led to a one-sided conversation about how far he rode and how often. It was at this point I realized the reason why he didn't think cycling was much of a collective activity--he was a competitive man riding at a competitive pace. For him, riding his bike was more of a job than a leisurely event shared with good friends. I no longer felt the need to debate this topic, but was secretly happy that cycling with friends at a dawdling pace is one of my most favorite activities.
Later that same afternoon, I accompanied my friend Holly as she broke in her brand new rode bike. While we cruised along, we conversed about all sorts of thought provoking topics--from failing friendships to our excitement about the upcoming trail running group we are both a part of. We laughed and rode, rode and laughed. Somewhere along our route I recalled my earlier discussion with Robert. I then I looked at Holly and myself on our "entry level" bikes, cruising along at an easygoing pace on the creek side trail. We were taking in the amazing scenery and giggling like two young school girls. And at that moment in time, I was so very grateful for my not-so-competitive nature and my ability to be engaged in two of my favorite activities at the same time--riding my bike and sharing good times with a great friend.
As we watched the other members of our group get properly fitted to their cycles, we continued conversing about the social dynamics of cycling. His train of thought was that riding one's bike isn't much of a communal activity. Whereas, I think cycling fits right up there next to running on the "ability to exercise and socialize at the same time" scale.
After a small debate, Robert whipped out his iPhone and showed me a picture of his bike which happened to be some fancy pants, super expensive brand cycle...This led to a one-sided conversation about how far he rode and how often. It was at this point I realized the reason why he didn't think cycling was much of a collective activity--he was a competitive man riding at a competitive pace. For him, riding his bike was more of a job than a leisurely event shared with good friends. I no longer felt the need to debate this topic, but was secretly happy that cycling with friends at a dawdling pace is one of my most favorite activities.
Later that same afternoon, I accompanied my friend Holly as she broke in her brand new rode bike. While we cruised along, we conversed about all sorts of thought provoking topics--from failing friendships to our excitement about the upcoming trail running group we are both a part of. We laughed and rode, rode and laughed. Somewhere along our route I recalled my earlier discussion with Robert. I then I looked at Holly and myself on our "entry level" bikes, cruising along at an easygoing pace on the creek side trail. We were taking in the amazing scenery and giggling like two young school girls. And at that moment in time, I was so very grateful for my not-so-competitive nature and my ability to be engaged in two of my favorite activities at the same time--riding my bike and sharing good times with a great friend.
January 21, 2011
The Best of Friends.......
Kitty has lived with us for over a year now. Her official name is Trinity, but all we do is call her Kitty, so, I think all formality is officially out the window. When we first brought Kitty home, Neo wanted to eat her for dinner. He went stark raving mad at the sight of her, and began salivating as if she was the best thing since sliced bread (or in doggie speak--rare steak).
So, while we kept Kitty safely locked in the office, I thoroughly researched how to actually introduce a tiny kitten to a large dog. Yet, all the Internet pet experts told me to do was keep them separated. At that point, I really thought Grover and I had made a huge mistake and that we were immediately going to have find Kitty a new home.
However, we had wanted a kitten for years and did not want to give up easily. So, with lots of patience and persistence we were finally able to get Kitty and Neo together in very small doses. This was a difficult task which took two of us, as we had to keep Neo on the leash while convincing him that his Scooby Snacks were much more delicious than the little black and white fur ball running freely about the living room.
Needless to say, after working with them for over a month, we finally realized it was safe to let Neo off his leash, and we thought it would get easier. Still, for weeks there was utter chaos in the house. Neo would spend every waking hour harassing Kitty and chasing her around the house. Kitty would spend all of her time trying to hide from Neo and not get pursued. She made a hide out underneath my bed and would attack anyone's ankles who walked by--including Neo's.
Yet, although Kitty played tough girl from underneath the bed she still cowered whenever Neo ran her way. Until one day, when she finally got fed up and instead of running away, she arched her back, shot out her claws, and swatted Neo in the face. I sure was glad to have the privilege of actually witnessing that hilarious scene because at that very moment in time, the relationship between our two pets took a turn for the better. From that day forward, the two began playing together, sharing each other's food, and even sleeping next to each other in bed.
To this day, Neo and Kitty are the best of pals. Kitty even goes so far as to lick Neo and clean him up when he is dirty. They get into lots of trouble together--especially when they sneak in the snack drawer and gobble up all of their treats in the middle of the night when no one is watching. The close relationship these two animals share is one that many people in life continually to seek out. Therefore, it gives me so much pleasure to share our home with our two beloved pets----Mr. Neo and Miss Kitty.
So, while we kept Kitty safely locked in the office, I thoroughly researched how to actually introduce a tiny kitten to a large dog. Yet, all the Internet pet experts told me to do was keep them separated. At that point, I really thought Grover and I had made a huge mistake and that we were immediately going to have find Kitty a new home.
However, we had wanted a kitten for years and did not want to give up easily. So, with lots of patience and persistence we were finally able to get Kitty and Neo together in very small doses. This was a difficult task which took two of us, as we had to keep Neo on the leash while convincing him that his Scooby Snacks were much more delicious than the little black and white fur ball running freely about the living room.
Needless to say, after working with them for over a month, we finally realized it was safe to let Neo off his leash, and we thought it would get easier. Still, for weeks there was utter chaos in the house. Neo would spend every waking hour harassing Kitty and chasing her around the house. Kitty would spend all of her time trying to hide from Neo and not get pursued. She made a hide out underneath my bed and would attack anyone's ankles who walked by--including Neo's.
Yet, although Kitty played tough girl from underneath the bed she still cowered whenever Neo ran her way. Until one day, when she finally got fed up and instead of running away, she arched her back, shot out her claws, and swatted Neo in the face. I sure was glad to have the privilege of actually witnessing that hilarious scene because at that very moment in time, the relationship between our two pets took a turn for the better. From that day forward, the two began playing together, sharing each other's food, and even sleeping next to each other in bed.
To this day, Neo and Kitty are the best of pals. Kitty even goes so far as to lick Neo and clean him up when he is dirty. They get into lots of trouble together--especially when they sneak in the snack drawer and gobble up all of their treats in the middle of the night when no one is watching. The close relationship these two animals share is one that many people in life continually to seek out. Therefore, it gives me so much pleasure to share our home with our two beloved pets----Mr. Neo and Miss Kitty.
All tired out after a day of playing together.........
January 20, 2011
Some Stuff I Am Releasing....
January 18, 2011
Stuck On Stuff..
Why is it that we are so attached to stuff? For me, it is a convenience thing-- afterall, there may be a chance that I might need something in the future and if I get rid of it, then I won't have it. So, in my crazy way of thinking, it makes more sense to store boxes and boxes of stuff that I never open anyhow, than to just go out and buy the one thing I really want to utilize.
However, I also own important stuff that attaches me to my past. For example, I am storing tons of books, files and manipulatives from former my teaching jobs even though I have no intention whatsoever of returning to the classroom setting. Then, there are all of the clothes and shoes stuffed into my closet which would create some amazing outifts if I would only find the time or a place to actually wear them. I am sure that I probably don't even fit into many of the clothes I have been saving for longer than a couple of years..but maybe someday...
The irony of it all is that just recently I decided to free myself of some of this stuff. As I was in the process of cleaning out my closet, I came across a purse I no longer used and when I dumped out its contents, there was a little card inside. It was blank on one side, but when I flipped the thing over, on it was printed only one word..."RELEASE!" Now if that isn't a sign that it is time to let go of some things, I don't know what is...
However, I also own important stuff that attaches me to my past. For example, I am storing tons of books, files and manipulatives from former my teaching jobs even though I have no intention whatsoever of returning to the classroom setting. Then, there are all of the clothes and shoes stuffed into my closet which would create some amazing outifts if I would only find the time or a place to actually wear them. I am sure that I probably don't even fit into many of the clothes I have been saving for longer than a couple of years..but maybe someday...
The irony of it all is that just recently I decided to free myself of some of this stuff. As I was in the process of cleaning out my closet, I came across a purse I no longer used and when I dumped out its contents, there was a little card inside. It was blank on one side, but when I flipped the thing over, on it was printed only one word..."RELEASE!" Now if that isn't a sign that it is time to let go of some things, I don't know what is...
January 17, 2011
Gestation Period
Today marks the nine month anniversary of my mom's unfortunate death! Nine months = 273.931649 days. Nine months also marks the approximate gestation time of a baby in a mother's womb.
To me, there are many parallels between being torn from the warm, supportive environment of the womb and the immense grief of losing my mother. Both are inevitable, neither are 100% predictable--even with the advances of modern science, and certainly, both are very painful.
For the most part, grief is a time of darkness. It is a time of going within, a time of self-reflection, and a time of endless soul searching. When one faces the phenomenon of grief, they experience intensely raw emotions, overwhelming feelings of loss and regret, and question the meaning of life.
Yet, there is something inspirational about being in the darkness, isolated and alone and really taking the time to look within, which can lead to personal transformation and growth. As one experiences the many facets of grief, there often develops a positive shift in life-long patterns and superfluous behaviors. One begins to accept new ways of thinking, seeing and living. On the other side of the grief, there is joy, happiness and a renewed realization of what is truly important in life.
Although grief is one of the worst phenomenons humans will ever experience, it is also a catalyst for change and a constant reminder that life is truly precious and should be lived to the fullest!
To me, there are many parallels between being torn from the warm, supportive environment of the womb and the immense grief of losing my mother. Both are inevitable, neither are 100% predictable--even with the advances of modern science, and certainly, both are very painful.
For the most part, grief is a time of darkness. It is a time of going within, a time of self-reflection, and a time of endless soul searching. When one faces the phenomenon of grief, they experience intensely raw emotions, overwhelming feelings of loss and regret, and question the meaning of life.
Yet, there is something inspirational about being in the darkness, isolated and alone and really taking the time to look within, which can lead to personal transformation and growth. As one experiences the many facets of grief, there often develops a positive shift in life-long patterns and superfluous behaviors. One begins to accept new ways of thinking, seeing and living. On the other side of the grief, there is joy, happiness and a renewed realization of what is truly important in life.
Although grief is one of the worst phenomenons humans will ever experience, it is also a catalyst for change and a constant reminder that life is truly precious and should be lived to the fullest!
January 16, 2011
January 15, 2011
Too Much Stuff
Today I was walking my dog, Neo, through the streets of our neighborhood, and I noticed many garage doors open. Some of my neighbors were working in their garages, yet, it appeared that they were doing nothing more than organizing their junk. I call it junk, but I am certain that they believe, as I do, it is actually great treasure which is packed away "just in case" we need it at some point in the future. This got me thinking about how I cannot stand setting foot in my own garage because of its very own state of dissaray.
Now, I am aware there are certain items that definitely belong in the garage, such as holiday decorations, which are only utilized once a year, and paraphernalia to be used in the great outdoors like bikes, camping gear and lawnmowers. However, our garage is so full of so many potentially usable items that, more often than not, it is frustrating and near impossible to find what I am looking for.
What's worse is that even when I convince myself it's a brilliant idea to be free of the plethora of unused items in my garage, whenever I think about actually trying to accomplish this I become so overwhelmed I don't even know where to begin. My husband and I take turns accusing each other of owning the most stuff and arguing over who needs to get rid of what. I think he owns way too many tools, for instance and he thinks I have more than my fair share of art supplies. Yet, neither one of us is actually willing to get rid of a darn thing.
Now, I understand it's great to have a place to store stuff when you aren't using it, but what makes this a problem is that I, for instance, get sick of various items cluttering my living space, so I conveniently move them to the garage. This makes my house look sparkling clean and organized, but the second I step foot in our garage I become dizzy and claustrophobic.
Therefore, as an attempt at a solution, I am going to revamp last year's New Year's Resolution-- to get rid of one thing every day. Honestly, I did follow through with it and learned to love freeing up our household of many unused goods and clothes from my closet, but guess where they ended up?
Consequently, I am going to take that resolution step further and actually start emptying the garage. It's really going to be Ok, I will take a deep breath and just start with one item at a time,,,,, so, does anyone need some power tools?
Now, I am aware there are certain items that definitely belong in the garage, such as holiday decorations, which are only utilized once a year, and paraphernalia to be used in the great outdoors like bikes, camping gear and lawnmowers. However, our garage is so full of so many potentially usable items that, more often than not, it is frustrating and near impossible to find what I am looking for.
What's worse is that even when I convince myself it's a brilliant idea to be free of the plethora of unused items in my garage, whenever I think about actually trying to accomplish this I become so overwhelmed I don't even know where to begin. My husband and I take turns accusing each other of owning the most stuff and arguing over who needs to get rid of what. I think he owns way too many tools, for instance and he thinks I have more than my fair share of art supplies. Yet, neither one of us is actually willing to get rid of a darn thing.
Now, I understand it's great to have a place to store stuff when you aren't using it, but what makes this a problem is that I, for instance, get sick of various items cluttering my living space, so I conveniently move them to the garage. This makes my house look sparkling clean and organized, but the second I step foot in our garage I become dizzy and claustrophobic.
Therefore, as an attempt at a solution, I am going to revamp last year's New Year's Resolution-- to get rid of one thing every day. Honestly, I did follow through with it and learned to love freeing up our household of many unused goods and clothes from my closet, but guess where they ended up?
Consequently, I am going to take that resolution step further and actually start emptying the garage. It's really going to be Ok, I will take a deep breath and just start with one item at a time,,,,, so, does anyone need some power tools?
January 14, 2011
MRI Event
MRI's are creepy.. the radiologists strap you to a board and shove you in a dark tube. It's very loud--lots of clicking and clacking so you have to wear ear plugs... thank goodness for the fans blowing wind, which at leasts help with reducing that claustrophobic feeling.
I had the strangest dreams while inside the x-ray machine. At one point I saw a bright light passing by my closed eyes. It was as if the doctor was doing an eye exam. The dream was so realistic and the luminosity so bright it startled me awake, but when I actually opened my eyes the mysterious light was nowhere to be found.
I continued to lay as still as possible, but the worst part of the MRI was simply entering the hospital itself. All of the sights, sounds and smells came flooding back from a traumatic time in my family's life.....not so long ago.
I had the strangest dreams while inside the x-ray machine. At one point I saw a bright light passing by my closed eyes. It was as if the doctor was doing an eye exam. The dream was so realistic and the luminosity so bright it startled me awake, but when I actually opened my eyes the mysterious light was nowhere to be found.
I continued to lay as still as possible, but the worst part of the MRI was simply entering the hospital itself. All of the sights, sounds and smells came flooding back from a traumatic time in my family's life.....not so long ago.
Suffocation
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night paralyzed and feeling like I am going to suffocate. Usually I lay in bed awake for hours, the seconds clicking slowly by as my mind spins and swirls around all of the things I can't seem to get a handle on. This evening's topics happen to be: My son is transitioning from the homeschooling scene into a traditional site-based high school, and the California budget deficit may be threatening my job yet again.
No wonder I feel that everything seems so uncertain......Although my son going to high school isn't actually a bad thing, it does mark an end to the way we spend time together. I know that he is starting college soon and as his mom, I want to squeak out every little second together before experiencing "empty nest syndrome." So, although I am proud of Grover for the successful young adult he is becoming and I am happy that he is getting to experience life as he sees fit, I secretly yearn for the days when he needs his mommy and we spend hours together snuggling on the couch reading stories and giggling.
Speaking of giggling and happiness, I truly love my job. This school is honestly one of the best places I have ever worked. Yet, the unfortunate truth of the situation is that education has been in jeopardy for the past several years. The California budget crisis is wreaking havoc on employment situations. Our school teaching staff have collectively reduced our salaries to 80% of our pay just to try and stay alive. The upcoming budget cuts also do not look good for our school as a whole. Yet, all I can do is hope and pray it's not as bad as "they" say. And I still have a couple of months left before I find out any potentially dangerous news.
Of course, it would be nice to feel like I had some control over major, life-changing situations, but the reality is there is no controlling much of anything....and this is a really hard lesson to learn and even more difficult to accept.
No wonder I feel that everything seems so uncertain......Although my son going to high school isn't actually a bad thing, it does mark an end to the way we spend time together. I know that he is starting college soon and as his mom, I want to squeak out every little second together before experiencing "empty nest syndrome." So, although I am proud of Grover for the successful young adult he is becoming and I am happy that he is getting to experience life as he sees fit, I secretly yearn for the days when he needs his mommy and we spend hours together snuggling on the couch reading stories and giggling.
Speaking of giggling and happiness, I truly love my job. This school is honestly one of the best places I have ever worked. Yet, the unfortunate truth of the situation is that education has been in jeopardy for the past several years. The California budget crisis is wreaking havoc on employment situations. Our school teaching staff have collectively reduced our salaries to 80% of our pay just to try and stay alive. The upcoming budget cuts also do not look good for our school as a whole. Yet, all I can do is hope and pray it's not as bad as "they" say. And I still have a couple of months left before I find out any potentially dangerous news.
Of course, it would be nice to feel like I had some control over major, life-changing situations, but the reality is there is no controlling much of anything....and this is a really hard lesson to learn and even more difficult to accept.
January 13, 2011
Pilates...
From the moment I put my feet on the floor to get out bed, I knew without a doubt that this day was going to be a good one. This morning I was full of hope for positive events to occur and grateful for so many aspects of my life--especially my job. Yet, as the day progressed, negative experiences and complicated issues slowly infiltrated my little peaceful world. By the end of the day I was dealing with issues I have been trying to avoid for years. It is quite an unsettling feeling when things are so uncertain.... Again, just when I think I have a handle on it all, life throws me a curve.
However, today was also the first time I tried the Pilates class at my new gym. I loved the slow, breath-oriented movements and the way I could stretch my body into a multitude of positions. This experience made me pay close attention to my entire being, even realizing its certain limitations. Yet, for the most part, Pilates made me feel grateful for being so strong and at peace with who I am.
And the best thing about being strong is that it makes me realize I can handle life's curves... maybe not with a constant flow of grace and tact, but I know deep down I will find ways to take care of myself in the light of difficult situations. What's more, is that now I can add Pilates to my bag of survival tools....
However, today was also the first time I tried the Pilates class at my new gym. I loved the slow, breath-oriented movements and the way I could stretch my body into a multitude of positions. This experience made me pay close attention to my entire being, even realizing its certain limitations. Yet, for the most part, Pilates made me feel grateful for being so strong and at peace with who I am.
And the best thing about being strong is that it makes me realize I can handle life's curves... maybe not with a constant flow of grace and tact, but I know deep down I will find ways to take care of myself in the light of difficult situations. What's more, is that now I can add Pilates to my bag of survival tools....
January 12, 2011
Today's Theme: Living Alone
Some people I know live alone while others I know secretly wish they were living alone. Yet still, others don't actually want to live alone, but were forced by their significant others to make such a change........
What does one do when they are afraid to make the leap to that of living singly in a dwelling of their choice...... is it really that difficult?
Maybe a list of the pros and cons of being single and living alone is in order....
Pros Cons
peaceful costly
all you lonely
quiet quiet
do what you want boring
I am sure there are many more... what are your ideas?
What does one do when they are afraid to make the leap to that of living singly in a dwelling of their choice...... is it really that difficult?
Maybe a list of the pros and cons of being single and living alone is in order....
Pros Cons
peaceful costly
all you lonely
quiet quiet
do what you want boring
I am sure there are many more... what are your ideas?
January 11, 2011
1/11/11--To Settle or Not to Settle
Just yesterday I was struggling to board down a snow covered mountain because, unfortunately, I had somehow lost all the abilities I acquired last season. It didn't matter how, when, and where I wanted my snowboard to go, it would not cooperate. I spent more time crashing to the ground than I did cruising down the mountain.
Now, I am not normally a quitter, but I was so upset at my skill deficiency I vowed to end my snowboarding practices once and for all. As a matter of fact, before I even made it back to the lodge, my boarding gear was already sold on Craigslist and I was ready for a new hobby.
My husband and son tried to talk me out of giving up the sport, but for me, it wasn't actually about quitting.. it was about "settling." I'm not sure how, between pounding my fists in the snow during a fit of rage and becoming sick and tired of only being mediocre at so many things, I made a connection. I thought about settling in other areas in my life and I am still not sure if that is just what one does because it is human nature or if its because it seems like the easiest way to proceed for the time being.
After an evening of thinking about settling with being only mediocre at snowboarding, I made myself a deal. This morning I signed up for a lesson with the idea that if I didn't see any improvement, I really would get rid of my snowboarding gear once and for all. Yet, lo and behold, the Snowboarding Gods must have wanted me to stick it out because today is the day I performed better than ever before. So, lucky for my snow gear, it is stuck with me. And what's more, I am already planning my next trip back to Tahoe in the near future because the more I ride, the better I will become and I won't have to settle in this arena any longer. One down.. many more to go!
Now, I am not normally a quitter, but I was so upset at my skill deficiency I vowed to end my snowboarding practices once and for all. As a matter of fact, before I even made it back to the lodge, my boarding gear was already sold on Craigslist and I was ready for a new hobby.
My husband and son tried to talk me out of giving up the sport, but for me, it wasn't actually about quitting.. it was about "settling." I'm not sure how, between pounding my fists in the snow during a fit of rage and becoming sick and tired of only being mediocre at so many things, I made a connection. I thought about settling in other areas in my life and I am still not sure if that is just what one does because it is human nature or if its because it seems like the easiest way to proceed for the time being.
After an evening of thinking about settling with being only mediocre at snowboarding, I made myself a deal. This morning I signed up for a lesson with the idea that if I didn't see any improvement, I really would get rid of my snowboarding gear once and for all. Yet, lo and behold, the Snowboarding Gods must have wanted me to stick it out because today is the day I performed better than ever before. So, lucky for my snow gear, it is stuck with me. And what's more, I am already planning my next trip back to Tahoe in the near future because the more I ride, the better I will become and I won't have to settle in this arena any longer. One down.. many more to go!
January 10, 2011
Catching Up...
Since I created this blog ten days into the new year, I need to catch you up on the first nine...here are some highlights from what I remember best....
January 1:
I woke up without a hangover because of what my husband called a "lame" New Years Eve. This was spent at my dad's house in Florida. My brother Jason, his wife Alison and their two young children were also in town for a whirlwind vacation visit. We did enjoy a most delicious, homecooked meal of fresh seafood and devoured a bazillion raw oysters as both appetizers and dessert. Because our stuffed bellies were making us tired, we had to play cards so that we could stay awake way past ten o'clock to watch Dick Clark, the old puppet on a string, drop the ball. What's more, we didn't even open the two bottles of champagne we bought specifically for the occasion...and as my husband also points out, we didn't enjoy them as mimosas at any point afterward.
Now back to the first day of 2011: They say that whatever you do on the first day of the new year is what you will be doing all year. I did spend part of the day happily visitng with my family, but I also spent much of it alone (hmmmm...). I took a long walk in one of my favorite parks (Taylor Lake) and then had a deliciously long nap. I guess one could conclude that although it was rather uneventlful, it was a much needed day of rest and self-care--which I definitely intend to better incorporate into my lifestyle in the upcoming year.
January 2:
This was our last full day of our vactaion in Florida. Of course, the weather turned cloudy as soon as Will put on his swimsuit and headed to the pool--go figure. Yet, I didn't mind because I got to spend the day with one of my favorite people on this planet--my grandma! She still works in the proshop of a small 9 hole golf course in Largo, FL, where she has been employed for the last 40 years. My grandma, Bonnie, is one of the most amazing people I know and you will hear much more about her as my year progresses.
January 3:
On our last day in Florida, I took my grandma to get her stitches out. She had surgery two weeks prior to have a steel plate and eight screws removed from her ankle, which she severely broke a decade earlier. A screw was coming unscrewed from the plate and was protruding out of her skin. Therefore, the doctor decided to remove the whole gosh darn thing. My dad said it was the only time he could say "his mother-in-law had a screw loose" and get away with it. Later that day, my family and I boarded the plane heading back to California. I had tears in my eyes and great sadness in my heart because it is always so hard to leave my hometown and travel all the way across the country to where we reside now.
January 4:
My husband and I had to go back to work this day without an opportunity to adjust to the three hour time difference. However, the bonus of my job is that I was able to spend the day working in my jammies, whereas, my husband had to get dressed in his uniform and actually GO to work. I must say I really love my job! Oh, and don't tell my husband this (because he gets jealous) but I didn't put "real" clothes on all day. My jammies were the perfect outfit for me because I did not leave the house once...Thank goodness for the nature of my job, the invention of computers, and my capacity to work from remote locations.
January 5:
Wednesdays and Thursdays are the days I actually drive into work, so this day I actaully got dressed and went to work. The day was busy with family meetings and catching up with co-workers, but I had a great time. The weather was really cold, but the sun was shining, so I was happy. All the cold weather in Florida made it easier to return to the chilly temps here. That evening was a big ordeal for me because I got to go on my first run in over six months with the Fleet Feet running group. It is such a pleasure for me to finally be getting back into running again, but it is even more enjoyable when running a great group and carb loading afterwards. I was so elated to be wearing my running shoes again as I have been working through hip bursitus and a mysterious hamstring injury...
January 6:
Another day where I went into work. However, I also enjoy Thursdays because I meet with the families on my roster, and I also tutor on this day. I love seeing the progress these young readers are making. It really makes my job fullfilling and worthwhile.
On Thursday evening, my family and I went to the gym. It was our first time going together because we just joined. I participated in a NIA body awareness class while Will and Grover worked out on the weight machines. Afterwards, I relaxed in the sauna and then soaked in the hot tub. By the time I returned home, I felt wonderful. I am predicting now that joining the gym will be very beneficial for my family.........
January 7:
Grover and I visited Will for lunch at the Coast Guard Base where we all proceeded to stuff our faces at the Seafood Buffet. Every Friday the Coasties in the cooking school dish out a smorgasboard of seafood and every Friday I swear to myself that I am not going to over eat. Yet, every Friday, guess what I do? As a matter of fact, I ate so much food that I was still full when I met a friend that evening for dinner and drinks. It really didn't matter that I couldn't finish my dinner though, because I had leftovers for the next day and we ended up having so much fun, we needed to take taxi home. Need I say more?
January 8:
Even though I stayed out late the night before, I managed to wake up early and drag myself out of bed so that my husband and I could go bike riding with some friends. We cruised on our bikes through sub zero temps (not really, but it sure felt like it) down the Joe Rodata Trail and into Graton where we all enjoyed a most scrumptious breakfast together. I have to say that it was really difficult to leave the warmth of the cafe' to endure the cold ride back home. However, the highlight of that day was actually returning home to a steaming hot shower and putting my pj's on, which I then proceeded to stay in for the rest of the day while lazing about the house.
Janurary 9:
Wow, this post brings us to yesterday.. the final day before I had the idea to create this crazy blog...
Anyhow, yesterday morning I joined a group of pals for a run out at Pt. Rayes. I wasn't sure how my injury would hold up to the longest run yet (8 miles) but Pt. Rayes is such a beautiful place, I could not resist.
The run out was fine, but the run back was quite painful. It was a good thing that I was surrounded by such great friends...or I would have really been depressed. I am tired of being injured, but I only have myself to blame for waiting so long to do something about it.
The rest of yesterday was crap.. we were supposed to leave for our Tahoe trip last night, but some misunderstandings, a communication breakdown, and some unreasonable expectations were a recipe for disaster. Well not a real disaster, just an explosive argument that stopped us from leaving as planned.
Yet, here we are, and maybe if we would have actually left yesterday afternoon, I would not have been thinking about my goals and decided to create this blog. So, as some may believe, "Everything happens for a reason."
January 1:
I woke up without a hangover because of what my husband called a "lame" New Years Eve. This was spent at my dad's house in Florida. My brother Jason, his wife Alison and their two young children were also in town for a whirlwind vacation visit. We did enjoy a most delicious, homecooked meal of fresh seafood and devoured a bazillion raw oysters as both appetizers and dessert. Because our stuffed bellies were making us tired, we had to play cards so that we could stay awake way past ten o'clock to watch Dick Clark, the old puppet on a string, drop the ball. What's more, we didn't even open the two bottles of champagne we bought specifically for the occasion...and as my husband also points out, we didn't enjoy them as mimosas at any point afterward.
Now back to the first day of 2011: They say that whatever you do on the first day of the new year is what you will be doing all year. I did spend part of the day happily visitng with my family, but I also spent much of it alone (hmmmm...). I took a long walk in one of my favorite parks (Taylor Lake) and then had a deliciously long nap. I guess one could conclude that although it was rather uneventlful, it was a much needed day of rest and self-care--which I definitely intend to better incorporate into my lifestyle in the upcoming year.
January 2:
This was our last full day of our vactaion in Florida. Of course, the weather turned cloudy as soon as Will put on his swimsuit and headed to the pool--go figure. Yet, I didn't mind because I got to spend the day with one of my favorite people on this planet--my grandma! She still works in the proshop of a small 9 hole golf course in Largo, FL, where she has been employed for the last 40 years. My grandma, Bonnie, is one of the most amazing people I know and you will hear much more about her as my year progresses.
January 3:
On our last day in Florida, I took my grandma to get her stitches out. She had surgery two weeks prior to have a steel plate and eight screws removed from her ankle, which she severely broke a decade earlier. A screw was coming unscrewed from the plate and was protruding out of her skin. Therefore, the doctor decided to remove the whole gosh darn thing. My dad said it was the only time he could say "his mother-in-law had a screw loose" and get away with it. Later that day, my family and I boarded the plane heading back to California. I had tears in my eyes and great sadness in my heart because it is always so hard to leave my hometown and travel all the way across the country to where we reside now.
January 4:
My husband and I had to go back to work this day without an opportunity to adjust to the three hour time difference. However, the bonus of my job is that I was able to spend the day working in my jammies, whereas, my husband had to get dressed in his uniform and actually GO to work. I must say I really love my job! Oh, and don't tell my husband this (because he gets jealous) but I didn't put "real" clothes on all day. My jammies were the perfect outfit for me because I did not leave the house once...Thank goodness for the nature of my job, the invention of computers, and my capacity to work from remote locations.
January 5:
Wednesdays and Thursdays are the days I actually drive into work, so this day I actaully got dressed and went to work. The day was busy with family meetings and catching up with co-workers, but I had a great time. The weather was really cold, but the sun was shining, so I was happy. All the cold weather in Florida made it easier to return to the chilly temps here. That evening was a big ordeal for me because I got to go on my first run in over six months with the Fleet Feet running group. It is such a pleasure for me to finally be getting back into running again, but it is even more enjoyable when running a great group and carb loading afterwards. I was so elated to be wearing my running shoes again as I have been working through hip bursitus and a mysterious hamstring injury...
January 6:
Another day where I went into work. However, I also enjoy Thursdays because I meet with the families on my roster, and I also tutor on this day. I love seeing the progress these young readers are making. It really makes my job fullfilling and worthwhile.
On Thursday evening, my family and I went to the gym. It was our first time going together because we just joined. I participated in a NIA body awareness class while Will and Grover worked out on the weight machines. Afterwards, I relaxed in the sauna and then soaked in the hot tub. By the time I returned home, I felt wonderful. I am predicting now that joining the gym will be very beneficial for my family.........
January 7:
Grover and I visited Will for lunch at the Coast Guard Base where we all proceeded to stuff our faces at the Seafood Buffet. Every Friday the Coasties in the cooking school dish out a smorgasboard of seafood and every Friday I swear to myself that I am not going to over eat. Yet, every Friday, guess what I do? As a matter of fact, I ate so much food that I was still full when I met a friend that evening for dinner and drinks. It really didn't matter that I couldn't finish my dinner though, because I had leftovers for the next day and we ended up having so much fun, we needed to take taxi home. Need I say more?
January 8:
Even though I stayed out late the night before, I managed to wake up early and drag myself out of bed so that my husband and I could go bike riding with some friends. We cruised on our bikes through sub zero temps (not really, but it sure felt like it) down the Joe Rodata Trail and into Graton where we all enjoyed a most scrumptious breakfast together. I have to say that it was really difficult to leave the warmth of the cafe' to endure the cold ride back home. However, the highlight of that day was actually returning home to a steaming hot shower and putting my pj's on, which I then proceeded to stay in for the rest of the day while lazing about the house.
Janurary 9:
Wow, this post brings us to yesterday.. the final day before I had the idea to create this crazy blog...
Anyhow, yesterday morning I joined a group of pals for a run out at Pt. Rayes. I wasn't sure how my injury would hold up to the longest run yet (8 miles) but Pt. Rayes is such a beautiful place, I could not resist.
The run out was fine, but the run back was quite painful. It was a good thing that I was surrounded by such great friends...or I would have really been depressed. I am tired of being injured, but I only have myself to blame for waiting so long to do something about it.
The rest of yesterday was crap.. we were supposed to leave for our Tahoe trip last night, but some misunderstandings, a communication breakdown, and some unreasonable expectations were a recipe for disaster. Well not a real disaster, just an explosive argument that stopped us from leaving as planned.
Yet, here we are, and maybe if we would have actually left yesterday afternoon, I would not have been thinking about my goals and decided to create this blog. So, as some may believe, "Everything happens for a reason."
One Year In The Making
I woke up really early this morning.. 5:45 a.m. to be exact! That's because my family was taking our first trip of the season to Lake Tahoe for our snowboarding escapades. So, after I finally made it out of the house and the coffee kicked in, I faced that fact that I was indeed in one of my least favorite places---the driver's seat. However, there is a commonsensical reason for this and it's because my husband and I have a routine whenever we take road trips. I usually drive "there" (wherever that is..) and my husband usually chauffers us back home.
So, after a couple of hours behind the wheel, as I was struggling to keep myself awake, (did I mention that I don't usually get up so damn early), I was thinking about my goals for 2011 and mentally taking notes. That's when it occurred to me that I actually live an average American life....I mean, it's not the worst thing in the world, but there is really nothing glamorous or exciting about it either. Yet, with all the major events that took place in my life last year (more on those later) I am now making some life affirming changes. Furthermore, since we are only ten days into 2011, I decided it's the perfect time to start this blog and document one year of my "average" life in the making...
So, after a couple of hours behind the wheel, as I was struggling to keep myself awake, (did I mention that I don't usually get up so damn early), I was thinking about my goals for 2011 and mentally taking notes. That's when it occurred to me that I actually live an average American life....I mean, it's not the worst thing in the world, but there is really nothing glamorous or exciting about it either. Yet, with all the major events that took place in my life last year (more on those later) I am now making some life affirming changes. Furthermore, since we are only ten days into 2011, I decided it's the perfect time to start this blog and document one year of my "average" life in the making...
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