Forced Acceptance

Struggling through the intense grief process surrounding my mom's death has taught me some invaluable life lessons.  Several of which seem like they would be the obvious consequence of losing a loved one, yet others being more obscure and not at all expected. 

 Throughout my own personal grieving experience, I fought against every single inch of accepting the fact that my mom would never, ever be a part of my life on this planet again. I experienced great rage and often scared myself with destructive thoughts of smashing things and punching holes in walls every time I yearned to hear her voice. I also secretly hated people who still had their moms, as I was certain they had no clue what this type of intense pain felt like. Yet, after months of living with these deep, dark thoughts, I learned to channel my anger into more productive activities. Gradually,  I felt the release of my grasp on something that was simply impossible to hold any longer.Although it isn't always easy, nowadays, I continue to find a bit more serenity as the fits of anger and rage transpire less frequently.

I also slowly came to realize that my own life would never, ever be the same. Although at times, I still yearn for the truth to be otherwise. Yet, I know that no matter how hard I fight or how much I hate it, there will not ever be a way to reverse the hands of time and get my mom back.  However, once I learned to accept the cold, hard fact that mom was never going to be here for me again, I began to integrate this concept into a new, more positive way of  living and deepened other relationships in my life so they became even more meaningful and loving.

Another perceptible outcome of losing my mother is comprehending to my very core just how fragile and unpredictable life really is. This is not just a passing thought from time to time, but something I am incorporating into how I choose to experience each and every day. It is a reality that actually forces me to live a better life by enjoying every precious moment. And although it may sound a bit 'cliche,' I now realize on a deeper cellular level, that life is indeed very short and there are no guarantees whatsoever. So, I am actively trying to make the very best of whatever time I have left and not take things for granted. I am also more patient with those around me and do not lose my cool as easily as I once did when dealing with the "small stuff."

As of this post, it has been a little over 9 months since I watched my mom take her last breath. And, for the first time, I am starting to see a tiny bit of light and my first glimmer of hope that living without my mom, although always painful on some level, is something that I may even come to embrace.  While I continue to be shown the many gifts (both past and present) my mom has bestowed upon me, I vow to share them with the world as I honor who she was as a woman, and carry on her wonderful legacy.