Suffocation

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night paralyzed and feeling like I am going to suffocate. Usually I lay in bed awake for hours, the seconds clicking slowly by as my mind spins and swirls around all of the things I can't seem to get a handle on.  This evening's topics happen to be: My son is transitioning from the homeschooling scene into a traditional site-based high school, and the California budget deficit may be threatening my job yet again. 

 No wonder I feel that everything seems so uncertain......Although my son going to high school isn't actually a bad thing, it does mark an end to the way we spend time together. I know that he is starting college soon and as his mom, I want to squeak out every little second together before experiencing "empty nest syndrome." So, although I am proud of Grover for the successful young adult he is becoming and I am happy that he is getting to experience life as he sees fit, I secretly yearn for the days when he needs his mommy and we spend hours together snuggling on the couch reading stories and giggling.

Speaking of giggling and happiness, I truly love my job. This school is honestly one of the best places I have ever worked. Yet, the unfortunate truth of the situation is that education has been in jeopardy for the past several years. The California budget crisis is wreaking havoc on employment situations. Our school teaching staff have collectively reduced our salaries to 80% of our pay just to try and stay alive. The upcoming budget cuts also do not look good for our school as a whole. Yet, all I can do is hope and pray it's not as bad as "they" say. And I still have a couple of months left before I find out any potentially dangerous news.

Of course, it would be nice to feel like I had some control over major, life-changing situations, but the reality is there is no controlling much of anything....and this is a really hard lesson to learn and even more difficult to accept.